I Feel Like A Fraud

 

When I first began the conversation about going to Nursing school, it was always supported with incredible enthusiasm.

“You’re going to do so well because you’re such a hard worker!”
“It’s so evident that you put in so much work so you’re bound to succeed.”
“I’ve seen the effort that you’ve put into other studies, and I know you’ll be just as successful in your program of choice!”

There was an emerging theme in all of it…but I cheered along with everyone in exuberant thanks, and imagined the day that I’d walk across the stage to accept my piece of paper with my straight A’s and 4.0 GPA.

After all, that’s how my hard work had presented itself in the not so distant past…but there was just one glaring difference – the completely blind naivety I was skipping in with.

I began the year off with excitement, determination, and an incredibly strong work ethic. I put in hours and hours of reading and note-taking, reviewing and perfecting.  I was hitting the mark exactly where I wanted to (pun intended).

And then, somewhere amongst the craze of assignments and exams, it all fell apart.

I found myself putting in these same hours, but remembering nothing.  I found myself sleeping longer when I should have been up and studying for my next exam; finding new things to watch on Netflix when I should have been prepping for lecture or lab; literally laying in bed staring at my ceiling when I should have been practicing my skills.

(SUUUUP DEPRESSION, HOW’S IT?)

I’ve had arguments with myself because “Don’t forget to have fun!”, they said… “It’s not ALL about spending every waking moment studying!”, they said… but every time I take a couple of hours to have fun I feel SO.MUCH.FUCKING.GUILT.ABOUT.IT because “in college any free time you have is just procrastination”.  Y’all know that meme, don’t even lie.

In trying to manage both my life and my school work, it’s all just come apart at the seams.  Every moment I’ve spent away from studying has pushed me back.  Step by step, I feel like I’ve walked backwards into an ocean and suddenly, it’s bottomed out and I’m desperately trying to keep my head above the water.

& I feel like a fraud.  

You know when you hear all of these great things that people say about you, yet you can’t seem to actually reach the damn bar they’ve set?

Every conversation feels like a lie. I fell short of my own expectations, and in turn I felt like I’d been letting down every person who believed in me.  Everyone sees me as this incredibly talented, hard worker – and yet – I’ve spent most of the last couple of weeks curled up in bed every moment I get because I just. can’t. do. it. 

Life happens.  Stress rises.  Depression creeps in.  Inadequacy lingers.

Every moment alone in silence, with no pen to paper, has me immediately thinking, “Mayette, what are you doing? There are 1001 things you should be doing right now.  You have to work harder than this!”

I’ve put so much pressure on myself to uphold this image that’s out there of me that I’ve completely burnt out.  I’ve neglected self-care, I’ve neglected my nutrition, I’ve neglected my sleep.  I’ve neglected myself – period.

I AM a hard worker, but I’m learning that that can’t be all encompassing.

In amongst all of the deadlines and chaos (and accomplishments, because those are in there, too), I have to remember to take care of myself.

I have to actually listen to my body and my mind.
I have to recognize my limits and heed the warnings they bring.
I have to learn to recognize and celebrate the victories, regardless of how big or small.
I have to learn to take the stumbles with a grain of salt.
I have to not be afraid to ask for help when I know that I need it.
& I have to remember that I’m not letting anyone down, not even myself…

Because I’m still here, doing the thing even though it’s incredibly fucking hard, and getting through all of the shit that goes with it.

 

 


(And I need to start writing more because I feel a HELL of a lot better after getting that off my chest)

The Abyss

A poetic, visual piece of my reality living with Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  This piece is real, and raw, and has been clawing to get out for some time now.  In working to capture the true essence of what’s within my mind on any given day, I had to strip away the layers – both within my struggle, and externally.  Please treat this piece with dignity and respect, as it is meant to showcase art…nothing more, nothing less.


The Abyss

 

i feel the monster creeping, closer
clawing it’s way out from under my bed
i’m terrified
paralyzed
this darkness that i have been lead
into
is gripping me

it’s crushing me
consuming me and fooling me
confusing me and cursing me
blood racing through at record speed
i need relief, an outside hand
to help me through this maze dead end
but frozen here, this beast is fed

i fear
i dread
this monster is no entity
this darkness lives inside my head

it tears apart my thoughts and dreams
it strips of me my identity
stuck in a fog with no recede
it’s cunning, coy, calculating
leveraging what i believe

use6

“you’re horrible
you’re useless trash
the words you use are far too crass
you’ll get nowhere
you’ll be no one
stop wasting time, you’re far too dumb
you’re all alone and that you’ll stay”
this villain toys with me and says

my weary mind now letting go
no academic, i do not know
the best for me, or how to slay
to make this dragon go away
i’m wilting, weeping, wailing high
seduced by darkness’ lulling kiss
gone limp, i’m drug
to the abyss

use4

but gaze!
the light comes glinting through
a voice then whispers
calm, bijou
“you have the strength, you do, you do
your claws are long and sharp and lean
the shroud, this cloak, straight through they cut
this darkness trap is not what’s true
the light inside, you have, you do
is all that reigns
and it’s a fact
you’re brave
you’re bold
and you will see the actual reality

that you were born of dust and stars
of mercury and venus, mars
your soul here serves a purpose yet
the birth of hope you will beget
for all those trapped here in the depths
with you, before and after you
the cracks within your heart will grow
to let in light, to let them know
they’re safe

the light inside you have, you do
they’ll realize they have it, too”

use1

Elemental Necessity

As someone who deals extensively with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, constantly being around people can be a really big hindrance to my recovery.

It’s incredibly draining to always be around that much stressed out, negative energy.

On this #SelfCareSunday, I’m sharing with you an adventure I took yesterday and how being out in my element really helps to recharge my batteries so I can better cope with life when I get back into the city.

I truly believe that when you’re struggling with Mental Illness, it is SO. IMPORTANT. to find something that brings you joy, calm, and happiness – and spend as MUCH time as possible within that element.  It’s necessarily for survival.

This survival element for me is nature photography and mountain climbing.  They easily go hand-in-hand, and I get a great deal of joy out of them both.  It’s nice to be out in the middle of nowhere, with just the sounds of nature – no background noise of honking vehicles and constant voices.  Just me, my own thoughts, the creaking of the trees, and the gusting of the wind.  It’s a great platform to clear my headspace and let go of the pent up stress and negativity that I end up carrying.

Troll Falls

Kananaskis, Alberta, Canada

When One Door Closes…

I got a letter in the mail today.

One that I was super anxious about receiving, that I busted my ass off for two years working towards, that I was praying would carry the answer I was longing for.

It didn’t.

I was hoping against everything to start my Bachelor of Nursing in September.  Today, I found out that I won’t be…and now I’m feeling a whole lot of things that I didn’t think I’d feel.

I’m devastated.  I worked so hard to get here, and it still wasn’t enough.  I spent two years trying to make up for my lack of any sort of will as a high school student, to enable me to take the next step towards what I wanted to do with my life…and yet, here I am – facing another year of waiting, another year of feeling completely lost within myself.

Everything that felt SO obtainable just a month ago, feels thousands of miles away right now, in this moment.

Sure, there are things I can do to keep trudging towards the end goal, but it’s been so long already that I just find myself asking,

“Is it really even worth it anymore?”

“Am I even smart enough to do this in the first place?”

“Do I have what it takes?”

“Is this a sign that I shouldn’t even be pursuing this because it’s not meant for me?”

How do you decide if what you thought you wanted to do more than anything is actually what you’re meant for?

Where do you draw the line and just accept that you’re not going to get there?

What the hell do you do if you DO decide this is the fork in the road, but have absolutely no inclination of what road you should even be on?

*sigh*

I thought I knew what I wanted to say, but I just find myself sitting here staring blankly at my screen.  I don’t think I can put my thoughts into words.

All I know is that I was unexpectedly propelled off course by this event, and I feel the gravitation of the black hole I escaped from pulling at me once again.

Find the open door…
You just have to find the open door…

 

This Is The Why

**TRIGGER WARNER: Self-Harm, Self-Harm Scars**

Disclaimer: I have received full permission to post my thoughts, and these photos.
Loren, I love you ❤


This is the why.

When I started this blog, I had no idea what direction it would take, and if you’d told me 4 years ago that I’d be making this post, I would have laughed in your face.  That won’t be me, no, never.

But here I am, and I honestly couldn’t be more proud or humbled to be here.

As you probably know by now I’ve dealt with Mental Illness my whole life, but only more recently (in the last year or two) has it become more intense.  One of the things that’s been therapeutic for myself in navigating the chaos has been to write about it and share my struggles.  I didn’t start sharing my story to get people’s attention, or to get sympathy.  I share it because it genuinely helps me to make sense of what is going on, and I needed to know it was out there on a platform that was larger than just myself.  I suppose a sort of hope for divine intervention, if you will.  I don’t even really know myself… I just know that it’s something I felt I’ve had to do as a part of my recovery.

The more that I shared and put my vulnerability out there, the more people that came to me sharing their similar stories in turn, and that made a really big impact on me.  It was really only then I truly realized that, hey, I’m NOT the only one stuck in this tornado of perpetual existential crises.  I’m not okay a lot of the time, but look how many other people are just as not okay as I am.  You just get stuck in this fallacy that you’re the only person out there who is traipsing around wearing this smile that doesn’t belong to you.

Though I had people sharing the depths of their souls with me, I still never imagined that I’d ever really make that much of an impact on someone.  I sometimes thought how nice it might be to have this affect on someone else, but still my reasoning – my why – was for myself, for my recovery.  I continued sharing my journey for my own betterment, and the thought of “hey, maybe someone somewhere will find something positive in all of this” existed, vaguely, in the background.  As humans, I believe we’re innately inclined to helping each other, but I think we forget just how exactly we DO help others in ways we don’t expect.

It’s sad really, because we do not realize the positive power that we hold, that our words hold, that our story holds.

Flash forward to last night when I had this ceiling absolutely shattered in the most unexpected way possible.  As usual, I was browsing my social medias before settling into bed for the night.  It’s been a rough few days; I’ve been feeling really down, hardcore judging myself and comparing where and who I am to those who seem far better and far more successful than I… in short, I was feeling like a waste of skin, if I’m being completely honest.

And then…

I was notified that I’d been tagged in this post:

 

The flood gates were completely obliterated.
H*ck, the dam is gushing as I type this even now.

YOU. INSPIRED. ME. TO. MAKE. THIS. POST.

WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

For someone who is struggling, who has scars that are road maps to the pain and suffering they have endured, who has fresh wounds from the pain and suffering they still endure, to be vulnerable enough to share that with the world can be terrifying, crippling, not even in the question….

Yet…someone was able to share THAT level of vulnerability BECAUSE OF ME.

I literally have no words for that.  All I can do is just let the tears flow, and clutch my heart in endless gratitude that my story has reached someone so deeply.   That my journey has made a positive difference to someone trying to make sense of their own.

I won’t share her story with you because it is not my story to tell, but I will say this:  Loren has endured FAR more than any human should ever have to during their time around the Sun.  I’m not comparing her story to mine or anyone else’s because every single story matters, no matter the weight…but man, her story is a heavy, heavy one.

So, to Loren:

You are one of THE strongest, most resilient people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. You’ve been knocked down, over and over, by things that would completely ruin others yet you get back up EVERY SINGLE TIME.  I admire you SO fucking much for how you’ve handled life’s blows.  You are the sweetest, most caring, loving individual, and you deserve nothing but all of the good this world has to offer.  Your ring is fucking GORGEOUS, you deserve to feel so special, and I hope each day that passes your courage to show it off rises.  Your scars don’t define you.  They are symbols that you’ve made it through every single shit-sandwich day; they’re a symbol of the warrior that dwells within you, and I hope that you always know just how incredible she is.  If you forget, don’t worry – I’ll remind you.  I am SO proud of you, and how far you’ve come, and I know you’ll get to where you need to be.

And, thank you.
Thank you for your trust.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for being so fucking brave.

Thank you for allowing me to share this piece of your story.

Thank you, for simply being you.

This is the why.  
Because this is a community that holds each other up when times get tough.  This is a community that cheers you on across the finish line, even when you don’t think you have it in you to get that far.  This is a community that continues to support you even after you get there.

This is the why.
Because people (like Loren) deserve happiness.
People deserve to live free of judgement.
People deserve to know they are fucking amazing.
People deserve to know how strong and incredible they are.
People deserve to know just how much they are loved, and how much their story matters.

This is the why.
Because I see now what my words are capable of, and I want to continue on being inspired by others, and maybe (hopefully) inspiring others, too.

Forty Nine

DISCLAIMER: There is strong language used in this post.  #SorryNotSorry for it.  I’m fed up.

belly

I started this blog primarily as a fashion blog.  To essentially play dress up with my favourite outfits and share them all with you.  I’ve always been complimented for my sense of style, so it’s been fun to share my creations and to gather inspiration from others!  For a while now though, I’ve been finding my love of the fashion world dwindling, and after this past week, it’s safe to say: fashion can FUCK OFF.

Yep, I said it, and part of me can’t even believe it, but there it is.  Now I think I understand better why some (most) women hate shopping for themselves. I am feeling SO defeated and just…nothing positive, so I won’t even express those feelings out loud.


Since I started my medications about 2 months ago for my depression and anxiety, I have gained a significant amount of weight – about 12 pounds.  It wasn’t super shocking; I expected this knowing weight gain was a potential side effect. While that might not sound like much, in 2 months on my 5’5″ frame – that’s a lot… and honestly, I hadn’t really given it much thought; if I did, I would redirect those thoughts in a positive direction.

👉👉👉  re: cute little belly is cute.

Standing in *generic store name here* though, I found that an impossible task to do. I could not escape the extra weight in those lovely 360 degree mirrors.  You know, those mirrors that I swear to GOD are designed to highlight every “flaw” you have and implant a deep-seated hatred towards yourself – one that has you walking out having spent more money than you intended when you walked in in an effort to curb the loathing.

Walking in wearing a size 6 pant with room in the waist, having to choose size 8 and 10 from the racks, and struggle to gain the cooperation and permission of my newly thicker thighs, I felt a very familiar disgust towards what I saw in the mirror.  I gave up.  I just stood there in my skivvies, bare and vulnerable, going over every inch of my new body with a fine-toothed comb.  I’ve been working SO HARD on building and promoting self-love and positive affirmation when I gaze at my reflection, and all it took was 5 fucking minutes in a dressing room to unravel all the work I had done.  The industry that I had so loved before had enormously let me down.

I was disgusted; disgusted at the dimples and extra rolls that stared back at me, and disgusted at myself for having fallen back into this trap of negativity.

That disgust SHOULD be directed at the companies who clearly don’t know how to size clothing anymore (how can I be 3+ sizes at one fucking time?!), but my disdain immediately went to my newly developed ponch and I wanted to just admit defeat and cry.


In talking with others, and in seeing different posts on the internet regarding this exact topic, I just wonder… How does the fashion industry think that it’s okay or even necessary to vary clothing sizes so greatly? (Anyone else remember when they were one size in every single store, but are now probably any variation between 4-6 different sizes?) How can they do so knowing how this will absolutely affect girls and women psychologically?  Anyone in fashion familiar with the phrase, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”???

WHEN DOES IT END? WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE FUCKING LINE?!

Had I been younger, this experience would have had me revisiting my ED tendencies. I’m struggling to keep those thoughts at bay even now…

Fortunately, there is always a silver lining.  For me, it’s that I have my eyes wide open to the stats and the struggles that I was so blind to in my privilege before.  My whole life, even previous to my dealing with anorexia and bulimia, I have been tiny statured by nature.  I was always able to go into any store and find something that fit, and that I felt great in.  I never understood why some people hated shopping.  I never recognized the struggle that others faced because I couldn’t relate to it..and I have no problem admitting that now.  I was naive.

While we’re here, let’s review some stats, shall we?

  • According to a 2002 survey, 28% of girls in grade nine and 29% in grade ten engaged in weight-loss behaviours (in a class of 30 students, that’s roughly 8 to 9 people).
  • 37% of girls in grade nine and 40% in grade ten perceived themselves as too fat (in a class of 30 students, that’s roughly 11 to 12 people). Even among students of normal-weight (based on BMI), 19% believed that they were too fat, and 12% of students reported attempting to lose weight.
  • In a survey of adolescents in grades 7–12, 30% of girls and 25% of boys reported teasing by peers about their weight. Such teasing has been found to persist in the home as well – 29% of girls and 16% of boys reported having been teased by a family member about their weight.
  • Body-based teasing can have a serious impact on girls’ attitudes and behaviours. According to one study, girls who reported teasing by family members were 1.5 TIMES MORE LIKELY to engage in binge-eating and extreme weight control behaviours five years later.
  • In a study of 14–15 year old adolescents, girls who engaged in strict dieting practices were 18 TIMES MORE LIKELY to develop an ED within six months than non-dieters, and had almost a 20% chance of developing an ED within one year

  • At least 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S.
  • Every 62 minutes at least one person dies as a direct result from an eating disorder.
  • Eating disorders have the highest morality rate of any mental illness.
  • 13% of women over 50 engage in eating disorder behaviours.
  • 16% of transgender college students reported having an eating disorder.
  • Eating disorders affect all races and ethnic groups.

These stats (and others) can be found here and here.



More than anything, I’m fucking angry. This bullshit that if you’re not between the sizes of 000 and 3 that you’re not valid or worthy is just that – BULLSHIT.  That if you don’t look like the woman on the cover of a magazine, you’re not acceptable.  You know, that woman who doesn’t even look like the woman on the cover of the magazine? Yeah.

FUCK these societal standards and FUCK these oppressive fashion standards.

What’s unacceptable is how the modern fashion world operates in tandem with society; what’s NOT is YOUR BODY.  I find my love of the fashion world diminishing because I can no longer cater so heavily to an industry that literally propels itself on the destruction of the very demographic it’s created for.

It’s not that I didn’t realize these things before.  It’s that I ignored them, turned a blind eye, because I felt like they didn’t directly affect me.  All you have to do is flip open a history book to see how productive that mind-set really is…

So going forward, this is what I want you to take away from this rant:

I can’t say that I won’t ever do any fashion posts again.  It’s not true, and I’d be lying to myself and to you if I said it.  But I will do my absolutely best to shop consciously and create in a way that is body positive and inclusive.  I’m still learning and growing myself.  I hope you’ll allow me the space I need to expand my thinking, and the constructive criticism that will help me get to a better place.

Women can be vicious creatures, especially towards one another.  I hope that we can create a #GuildofGirls who pledge to stand up for and support each other, while standing against those who seek to pit us against one another and tear us apart.

MOST IMPORTANTLY:
You don’t have to be thin to be worthy of happiness, love and acceptance; you don’t have to be thin to BE happy and loved and accepted.

You don’t have to strive to look airbrushed 100% of the time.  You don’t need to keep hurting yourself to fit into a mould that isn’t even REAL.  A favourite quote of mine is: “Beyonce doesn’t even look like Beyonce.”  Cut yourself some slack.  You are a bona fide beauty just the way you are.

That cellulite, those belly rolls, those angel wings (aka extra flap of skin under your arms) – EVERY SINGLE WOMAN has at least one of the above.  It’s normal, it’s okay, it’s beautiful.  You don’t have to be ashamed of these parts of yourself.

IT’S OKAY TO STRUGGLE WITH HOW YOU FEEL WHEN CHANGES HAPPEN TO YOU AND TO YOUR BODY. I’ve been struggling to accept my new body, but I’m trying, and that’s what matters.

Unfollow those IG accounts that have you uttering hateful things about yourself every time you browse them.  Stop reading magazines if the only reason you’re picking them up is to measure yourself against what you’ll find inside.  Respectfully ask those in your life to refrain from commenting on your body, and be okay with letting negative people go in order to maintain your own sanity.  Seek out body positive people in your life, and in your social medias.  Reach out and ask for help, or lend support to others who are needing it.  We are all in this together more than we even realize.



“Your body is not the enemy”. No. It absolutely is not.

You are SO MUCH MORE than what you look like.


Cover photo courtesy of Wear Your Label
Shirt available for purchase here.  Use “MAYETTE10” to save! ❤

 

Forty Eight

Hello!

I have the most exciting news!!!

As most of you know by now, I’ve opened up quite a bit over the last couple of years about my personal struggles with Mental Illness. A huge catalyst of being able to do so has been Wear Your Label – an extraordinary, rapidly growing, Canadian company that fights back against the stigma of Mental Illness/Mental Health in pretty cool ways.  Along with some stellar threads that showcase positive MH slogans, they also donate 10% of net profits to partner initiatives!

wyl

Their conscious clothing line has given me my own strength; it’s allowed me to take back ownership of myself and not just be seen as the obstacles I combat each day.  It’s also introduced me to a safe community of people that I can look to if everything were to blow up in my face.

Having said that, I am SO SO SO incredibly excited to be able to share with you all that I’m “officially” a member of the WYL family!

I have been chosen to represent them as a Brand Ambassador for 2017!  

My heart is exploding with joy, excitement, and gratitude at the phenomenal year I know lies ahead. This is a company I’ve deeply appreciated and supported, and I’m happier than a kid in a candy store to have this opportunity to further spread Mental Health Awareness with some really awesome people!

There will be some perks along the way, I promise  — like this promo code!

promo
If you want to help to break the stigma behind Mental Illness and promote healthy conversations about Mental Health, use code MAYETTE10 when you check out to save 10% on your order!  Head on over to http://www.wearyourlabel.com and treat yo self…Or a friend or family member  Share the love and spread the word!

I just want to say  Thank You  to everyone who has supported me, without judgement, who allow me to be me (in whatever that entails), and who continue to support me. I honestly can’t thank you enough, and I hope you’ll stay on this journey with me

Exciting things await this year so please stay tuned!

I can’t wait to generate conversation and hopefully spoil my Marshmallows along the way!

❤ xoxo
Mayette

 

#BellLetsTalk

Hi Marshmallows!

blt

It’s one of my favourite days of the year  

Just a few years ago, I would have had a very different reaction for this day (hint: it wouldn’t have been excitement…). I would have done everything I could to spend the day like a hermit and avoid conversing at all costs.  It’s a dark place to be in when even you’re afraid of your mental health struggles.

However, today is a different day and a different time; the further I come on my mental health journey, the easier it gets to talk about the obstacles I face and advocate for abolishing the stigma so others feel safe in sharing their stories, too.

So – #BellLetsTalk about how it’s OKAY to make noise about Mental Health.  It’s OKAY to struggle and talk about those struggles.  It’s OKAY to have bad days.  It’s OKAY to give an honest answer when someone asks you, “So how are you REALLY doing?”.  

Donning my #AnxietyAlliance tee proudly from @wearyourlabel to let others know that I’m anxious, too, and it’s a welcome and safe invitation to enter a conversation about it

All of us have hardships and struggles, and lately my anxiety has been a real big one for me.  I’ve had crippling days; days where I can’t get out of bed, let alone even think about leaving my house.  Days where I feel like I’m not good enough for anything.  Days where it all just becomes so overwhelming.  Days where I honestly think things will just never, ever start to get better.  But they do, and they have.  Had I known that reaching out for help and telling my story to someone sooner would have resulted in my healing beginning a lot sooner, I wouldn’t have suffered in silence for so long.  My eyes were also opened to just how many incredible, supportive, loving people I had around me when I allowed the walls to fall and the dam to break, and I am so SO grateful for each and every one of them.  I would not be able to so openly stand up and share my story today if not for them all.  I may not even have been standing here at all.  ALL my love and support right back. xoxo

And I want you to know, if you’re reading this and struggling, that it’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to ask for help if you’re ready to take that step. You are valid, you are worthy, and you’re so NOT alone in your journey. Whether you realize or not, there is a community of warriors and of survivors that will take you by the hand and support you every step along the way.  

It takes a lot, for a lot of people, to talk about what they have experienced or what they are going through, and so I just want to throw out a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has shared their story today.  I’ve seen so many brave, inspiring stories full of strength on my News Feeds…far more than I’ve ever seen – and what an incredible sight, indeed.

Your openness, willingness, and trust is helping to pave this road so that those who have come before us, those who are with us, and those who will come after us will have a much smoother journey. From someone who has only recently taken the first steps toward the sunshine, that is something so amazing.

Today is not just for today.  Let’s keep the conversations going for the next 364 days. Not all of us struggle with mental health obstacles, but we all have mental health to take care of.

All my love to all of you XOXO Never be too humble to reach out.

Can We Get Real For A Minute?

Trigger Warning: Mental Illness, Depression, Manic Depression.

I wanted to make this post because, for a lack of better wording, I need to.
So, can we get real with each other for just a minute? Or maybe a few…

Hi, I’m Mayette.  🙂

I’m 29 years old.  I’m a Virgo.  I was born in a small city in Alberta, Canada.  I was raised as a country girl living in the city, and so, I love country music.  Well, I love quite a few genres of music really.  I love to sing, even though I may not excel at it sometimes.  I was a competitive dancer for 16 years, and I still love to dance just as much now.  I love sketching and drawing.  I love painting.  Hiking and spending as much of my time in the mountains as possible brings a smile to my face.  I love animals, and will probably get more excited to see your dog than I will to see you (lol).  I love theatre, both stage and film.  I love fashion, and the creativity and fun that it brings.

I’m a dreamer.  I’m a giver.  I’m an empath.  I’m a granddaughter, a daughter, a girlfriend, a friend.  I’m clinically Depressed, Manic Depressive and nursing a newborn Anxiety baby. …And nothing else that I told you, or didn’t tell you, about myself matters as soon as I mention my mental illness…because once it’s said, it’s all you’ll see.

I know, I know.  I know what you’re thinking, because I get it all the time.  Why do I mention my mental illness then if I don’t want people to know about it?  Why bring focus to it if it doesn’t define who I am?  The simple answer is because people will know about it, regardless of if I come right out and say it, and as much as I want to tell myself that my mental illness doesn’t define me – it does; in that moment of suffering, of fighting, of dealing, it defines every millisecond.  And that’s OKAY, but we need to get more comfortable with talking about it.  With listening.  With understanding.

Living with mental illness is not something I can hide – or at least not hide very well.   It’s incredibly frustrating when you’re dealing with a whole tonne of stuff that you just don’t know how to explain… sometimes you just don’t even want to try to explain it.

I’ve been having a rough go of it lately – a slump, if you will.  A lot of things have happened in my life, it just seems like one thing after another after another, and so in these moments I’ve been taking notes.  I’ve been trying to put into layman’s terms exactly what I’m going through when I’m going through it, or how I’m feeling while I’m feeling it.  I’ve made notes, and I’m writing them out on this public platform because I’m tired.

I’m tired of being misjudged and misunderstood.
I’m tired of being forgotten because I’ve been labelled the unreliable friend.
I’m tired of having no explanation to give for those who ask.
I’m just tired – literally – all the time; what I fight against every day feels like it’s constantly sucking the life out of me (think Dementors from Harry Potter).

I hate living with mental illness, and here’s 30 reasons why:

1) It’s living in a prison; it’s like having the whole world in front of you, but your mind keeping you chained to the spot you’re standing in.

2) It’s feeling so lost that you can’t concentrate.  Your mind wanders, and before you know it hours have gone by and you’re left feeling wasted and useless.

3) It’s locking yourself in your bedroom on a gorgeous day because you’ve just had enough – of people, of stimulation, of thinking and of not being able to think.

It’s eating pizza curled up in bed, washed down by the tears that are streaming out of your eyes.

4) It’s screaming to yourself more times than you can count: WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL?!

5) It’s being cast as constantly over-emotional or crazy, in the production I never auditioned for in the first place.

6) It’s like being stuck with a roommate that you can’t stand, yet not being able to catch them in their wrong-doings to have any leverage for evicting them.

7) It’s collapsing into bed the minute you walk in the door, shoes and coat still on, because you don’t have the energy to remove them.  It’s wanting to hide from the world as fast as you possibly can, even if that means having to clean the dirt off of your bedsheets later.

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8) It’s feeling like you have to be strong all the time so that others will associate with you; so they won’t see you as a burden.  It’s constantly feeling like you have to have strength for everyone around you, including yourself.  It’s feeling like you’ve allowed others to rest their sorrows on your shoulder, but having no where to rest your own.

9) It’s feeling like absolutely no one else in the world relates to you, or could possibly understand what you’re going through.   It’s exhausting, to the point where there are days that I wish I could sleep for weeks on end.

10) It’s feeling everything all at once, and yet feeling absolutely nothing at all.  Feeling so numb that you don’t even notice your ribs moving in and out as you breathe… wait, are you even breathing anymore?

11) It’s driving and not realizing how you got from Point A to Point B.

12) It’s losing control of the grip you’re convinced you have, and bringing disappointment to others.  It’s having those mistakes follow you like shadows, constantly lurking – though only you can see them.  It’s embarrassing yourself when you break down in front of others because you SHOULD have had this under control.

13) It’s being unmedicated and feeling like a chaotic version of yourself that leaves nothing but destruction in your wake.  It’s being medicated and hating every part of it because it’s left you as an empty shell of yourself; a void simply taking up space.  It’s going off of your meds because you’ve convinced yourself (and your doctor) that “You got this” , and then greeting the panic and self-loathing that knock on your door when you feel yourself losing control again.  So, it’s going back on your meds, only to get upset that you can’t ACTUALLY get upset about how it once again has left you feeling like you’ve been devoured by The Nothing… so you decide to go back off of your meds and try alternatives.  Repeat this cycle for infinity.

14) It’s knowing that if you had a broken bone, or a surgical procedure, that people would be there to comfort you, to check in on you, to surround you with love.  It’s knowing that when they find out your ailments are caused by your mental illness you’ll be surrounded by blame, contempt and apathy.  It’s wishing that you could break a bone, or have an internal organ removed instead.

15) It’s looking forward to your favourite fitness class (and getting out of the house) because it always cheers you up – yet getting there and hating every single moment of it because you feel like everything you’re going through is tattooed onto your skin, and everyone is looking at you – and they KNOW.   It’s leaving, piling into your vehicle a crumpled mess of tears, and driving home feeling more defeated than ever.

16) It’s having one, two, three, four bad days in a row.  It’s feeling incredibly guilty for even having ONE bad day, especially if there’s nothing in your life to be upset about.  When bad things do happen, it’s feeling like your world is going to implode because they somehow have come in more than 3’s (HELLO! DON’T YOU KNOW THAT RULE, MR. LUCK?)… they pile up, and threaten to bury you alive.

17) It’s spending a lot of your time alone.  It’s longing for friendships that bring adventure, laughter and memories…but it’s avoiding old friends, and new, because you’re “too much to handle”.

18) It’s being irrationally resentful and jealous of the people around you because how the hell do they have it all together?!

19) It’s wishing you had someone to talk to, but also hoping that no one will talk to you because then it saves you having to try to explain everything.

20) It’s knowing the triggers of your “fight or flight” mechanism better than you know your favourite film, and knowing that you’re gonna choose flight, every time.

21) It’s praying that someone doesn’t ask when you’ve realized that they’ve realized something is wrong.  It’s wanting but not wanting to have that conversation because how can someone else understand it when you don’t even have a grasp on it yourself?  How do you explain to someone the overwhelming sadness that crushes you like a vice for NO REASON WHATSOEVER?!

22) It’s wishing people would take you seriously, including (and especially) the medical professionals who are supposed to be there to help you.  I mean, you KNOW it’s bad when even they think you’re crazy, too.

23) It’s constantly being accused of seeking attention, when you’re actually asking for help.

24) It’s faking your happiness on social media, and in real life, to save yourself the judgement of being “that person”.

25) It’s soap in your eyes because you start crying in the shower as you’re washing your face.

26) It’s your late-night drives transitioning from your sanctuary and joy to your breakdown central.  It’s your steering wheel becoming your shoulder to cry on, since you cry more behind it than anything else these days.

27) It’s wishing you could bring your dog with you everywhere you go, because she seems to be the only one that keeps you level-headed and calm in your moments of ruin.  She gets you, and 90% of the time it feels like she’s the only one who ever will.

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28) It’s laughing one minute, and crying the next – as if someone has flipped a switch in a cruel game.

29) It’s basically just crying, all the time, and committing yourself to the fact that you’re a walking contradiction.

30) It’s dealing with ALL of these things… every. single. day.

It’s not glamourous…

…but it’s not weakness.  It’s unpredictable, ugly f*cking strength. Every single part of it takes a level of courage you don’t think you have.  Self-realization. Talking to someone – a friend, a parent, a colleague, a professional.  Staring at the monster in the mirror that only you can see, and having to make the conscious choice every day to fight against it for your freedom; to say, “I’m not going to let you win. NOT TODAY, SATAN.”

It’s savouring every moment of every good day you have.  Sometimes there are LOTS of good days, and sometimes there are not.  It’s knowing that the good days will help you tread through the bad.

It’s finding the little things that make a difference, and treating yourself to those self-care goodies because you know that you deserve them; because you know that you’re important, and that self-care isn’t selfish.

It’s the moments that you overcome the demons that you fight; the moments of victory, however fleeting they may be, that get you through one day and onto the next.

It’s knowing, that at the end of the day, you’re a warrior and you’ll get through it – come hell or high water – because you’ve already survived 100% of your bad days.

It’s knowing that no matter how alone you feel, you never truly are.

It’s knowing that it’s okay to not be okay, and that it’s okay to talk about it.

Forty Two

Trying to get back into the swing of things since my “birthday weekend” last weekend.
It was a total blast, BUT…. I wanted to blog my other outfit and I totally forgot to take good photos while in it (aside from the tipsy photos I got with HORRID lighting that make me look like a demon coming out of the depths…) — So… now that I’ve got my laundry complete, I’ll be shooting that outfit next.  Better late than never, right?

ANYWAY.

On a positive note, I bought the MOST AWESOME shoes for myself ’cause you know, when it’s your birthday, you TREAT YO SELF.  If you can’t afford to frost your ears, fingers or neck (like me), then you frost those feet instead!  I feel like that’s a lot more practical, anyway.

Peep these babies from Skechers – seriously.

So. much. bling.  So. much. sparkle.  SO. MUCH. HAPPY.

Also, they’re called the Shiny Dancer? WELL OBVIOUSLY that fits the bill just perfectly!
(shout out to my 16 years of competitive dancing!)

The next pair I get is definitely going to be these – the Bright Idea – Elevated.  I was really torn between these and the Shiny Dancers, but if the decision involves bling or no bling …the bling will ALWAYS win out with me. 

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Aaaand, my shirt came in!  I was so excited to see a package on my step from Wear Your Label.

This is the “I ❤ Me” tee.  It’s soft, and comfortable, and a daily reminder to love yourself –  and I think that makes it just one of the best t-shirts out there.

As an extra perk, it’s also currently on sale 😉 … get it here !

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Here’s a better view of these beauties for you:

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It’s also Mani Monday!!! I decided to have some fun and try to do emoji nails LOL.  As you can see, it turned out pretty hilariously.  I thought I was using the smallest brush possible, but apparently I was NOT.  It’s all good.  They still look pretty sweet – from far away.

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All the best to you for the rest of your week!