I got a letter in the mail today.
One that I was super anxious about receiving, that I busted my ass off for two years working towards, that I was praying would carry the answer I was longing for.
It didn’t.
I was hoping against everything to start my Bachelor of Nursing in September. Today, I found out that I won’t be…and now I’m feeling a whole lot of things that I didn’t think I’d feel.
I’m devastated. I worked so hard to get here, and it still wasn’t enough. I spent two years trying to make up for my lack of any sort of will as a high school student, to enable me to take the next step towards what I wanted to do with my life…and yet, here I am – facing another year of waiting, another year of feeling completely lost within myself.
Everything that felt SO obtainable just a month ago, feels thousands of miles away right now, in this moment.
Sure, there are things I can do to keep trudging towards the end goal, but it’s been so long already that I just find myself asking,
“Is it really even worth it anymore?”
“Am I even smart enough to do this in the first place?”
“Do I have what it takes?”
“Is this a sign that I shouldn’t even be pursuing this because it’s not meant for me?”
How do you decide if what you thought you wanted to do more than anything is actually what you’re meant for?
Where do you draw the line and just accept that you’re not going to get there?
What the hell do you do if you DO decide this is the fork in the road, but have absolutely no inclination of what road you should even be on?
*sigh*
I thought I knew what I wanted to say, but I just find myself sitting here staring blankly at my screen. I don’t think I can put my thoughts into words.
All I know is that I was unexpectedly propelled off course by this event, and I feel the gravitation of the black hole I escaped from pulling at me once again.
Find the open door…
You just have to find the open door…
M A T E J K A 