The Abyss

A poetic, visual piece of my reality living with Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  This piece is real, and raw, and has been clawing to get out for some time now.  In working to capture the true essence of what’s within my mind on any given day, I had to strip away the layers – both within my struggle, and externally.  Please treat this piece with dignity and respect, as it is meant to showcase art…nothing more, nothing less.


The Abyss

 

i feel the monster creeping, closer
clawing it’s way out from under my bed
i’m terrified
paralyzed
this darkness that i have been lead
into
is gripping me

it’s crushing me
consuming me and fooling me
confusing me and cursing me
blood racing through at record speed
i need relief, an outside hand
to help me through this maze dead end
but frozen here, this beast is fed

i fear
i dread
this monster is no entity
this darkness lives inside my head

it tears apart my thoughts and dreams
it strips of me my identity
stuck in a fog with no recede
it’s cunning, coy, calculating
leveraging what i believe

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“you’re horrible
you’re useless trash
the words you use are far too crass
you’ll get nowhere
you’ll be no one
stop wasting time, you’re far too dumb
you’re all alone and that you’ll stay”
this villain toys with me and says

my weary mind now letting go
no academic, i do not know
the best for me, or how to slay
to make this dragon go away
i’m wilting, weeping, wailing high
seduced by darkness’ lulling kiss
gone limp, i’m drug
to the abyss

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but gaze!
the light comes glinting through
a voice then whispers
calm, bijou
“you have the strength, you do, you do
your claws are long and sharp and lean
the shroud, this cloak, straight through they cut
this darkness trap is not what’s true
the light inside, you have, you do
is all that reigns
and it’s a fact
you’re brave
you’re bold
and you will see the actual reality

that you were born of dust and stars
of mercury and venus, mars
your soul here serves a purpose yet
the birth of hope you will beget
for all those trapped here in the depths
with you, before and after you
the cracks within your heart will grow
to let in light, to let them know
they’re safe

the light inside you have, you do
they’ll realize they have it, too”

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Pride! (& Bisexuality)

I read my horoscope the other day on Chani Nicholas and I was shook.  It was a much needed reminder that I am exactly where I am meant to be at this moment in time.  Here’s an excerpt of what literally chilled me to the bone:

Friday’s full moon connects to the core of your personal life. It sheds light on your inner life. It reveals the strides that you have taken to create a sturdier base for your life over the past 2 years. It asks you what beliefs you are ready to part with. Beliefs you’ve inherited from your parents. From your childhood. From the misunderstandings of young adulthood. It asks you to uproot any weeds that are strangling your life-force. It asks you to make room for more positive experiences to blossom.

We cannot hold onto the guilt, shame and fear of our pasts if we are serious about living out our lives in the present. Right now a little excavation goes a long way.”

My eyes bugged outta my damn head…and you’re probably asking why:

It’s JUuUuUuUuUuUuUuuuuune!
That means Pride celebrations and rainbows EVERYWHERE.
And for me, finally, a sense of belonging.

It’s only been within the last 2 or 3 years where I’ve come to a place that I am comfortable within myself and how the world may see me, to build a solid base of self-love and self-understanding, to let go of all of the untruths that I carried about myself and my validity, to (quote directly) “make room for more positive experiences to bloom”.

YES

I struggled with my sexuality, FOR YEARS.  I always fell into the myths of how mainstream media defined bisexuality and, with that, I constantly felt invalidated.  I was confused, I was lonely, I was distressed, I was outcast.   I went through humiliation and agony trying to figure out just who or what the hell this part of me was.

Pride was not something that intrigued me (or even presented as an option) really until last year.  Bisexuality is so commonly erased in the media, and in general conversations about the LGBTQIA+ community, that I never ever felt that Pride was somewhere I belonged; that it wasn’t meant for me… even though the B is RIGHT THERE staring me in the face (and it doesn’t stand for Bagels, or Belugas, or Big Blue Balls).

I went to my first Pride in 2016, and it was TERRIFYING.  I knew without a doubt what this part of me was, yet I was so scared to be outed as “just a bisexual” that I felt incredibly uncomfortable the entire time I was there.  All these people around me who seemed so much more valid than I did because of the conditioning I’d been subjected to on what my sexuality was defined as.  The incredible self-doubt I bathed in because of others defining how I should be feeling, instead of paying attention to how I actually felt.

This year is different.  This year will be my 2nd chance: the first year I attend Pride as a truly out bisexual/queer who is finally comfortable in her identity, and as a B/Q who knows that I have a space in this community.

If you’ve got 30 spare minutes, you can watch the video I posted in October 2016 of my “coming out” HERE .  I cry a lot, I say “um”/”so yeah”/”truth” A LOT,  and I talk at length about Sara Ramirez and Grey’s Anatomy (because Callie was pivotal in my life changing for the better).  It’s vertically filmed because I was a video n00b, and it’s all around just a general, giant, hot mess…but it’s authentic, and raw, and honest.

I had no script for it; I literally sat down with no preparation and hit record because I knew if I didn’t, I’d never get it out.  It was worth it.

Also please note: I don’t include Queer in the dialogue of the video.  That’s because it’s an identity I’ve only recently adopted for myself.  By definition, Queer is an umbrella term for sexual and gender minorities who are not heterosexual or not cisgender.”  Bisexuality alone sometimes feels limiting and uncomfortable.  Queer not only accommodates my sexual orientation, but it also accommodates my gender expression fluidity as well.  To put it more plainly, Bisexuality feels like the sweater I like but is sometimes scratchy, whereas Queerness feels like the soft bunny-hug I cozy up to Netflix in.  Also, Queer is rooted in the meaning of “peculiar” or “strange” and that suits me just perfectly! 🙂

Bisexuality gets a hella bad rep in the world, so I want to do some common myth busting because it’s 20-freaking-17… buckle up!  I’m about ta learn ya somethin’!

Here are 10 common myths regarding bisexuality, and the truth bombs that go with them.

Myth One:  Bisexuality does not exist.
Truth:  I didn’t realize that I had the Super Power of Invisibility! It’s true that some people DO go through a transitional time of bisexuality before cementing their identity as either lesbian/gay or heterosexual.  The notion that bisexuals are confused or “sitting on the fence” is misconstrued; those who go through valid confusion often do so as a function of oppression, not biological misinterpretation.   Our society still largely denies bisexuality as a true and valid identity.

Myth Two: Bisexuals are just homosexuals straddling the closet door.
Truth:
This ties into the whole “confusion” bit, yet isn’t it hilarious that the only people who ever seem to be confused about bisexuality are never those who actively identify as bisexual?  I’ve heard countless stories of people who identify as bisexual who have been grilled about when they’re just going to come out as gay/lesbian (myself included).  THEY’RE NOT.  And to be perfectly honest, even if someone who identified as bisexual for years decided to come out as gay/lesbian because that is how they truly felt, that is still valid, and it’s really none of yo business homie.

Myth Three: You can’t truly be a bisexual if you haven’t engaged in sexual activity with persons of the same and opposite sexes.
Truth:
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. No.  Just no.  Were you confirmed as straight after sleeping with someone of the opposite sex, or did you know it was true before your parts smashed together?  You can be a virgin and still be a VALID bisexual.  You can be a woman/man who only has sexual experience with men and still be a VALID bisexual.  You can be a woman/man who only has sexual experience with women and still be a VALID bisexual.  Your sexuality is not validated based on your bedpost notches….which brings us to Myth Four.

Myth Four: Bisexuals are greedy or extra promiscuous.
Truth:
This one actually makes me laugh…like, when I think about it in application of my own life, I just get a headache.  Promiscuity is not dependent on sexuality.  People of all orientations and identities experience sexual yearning in varying intensities.  Number of partners and frequency of copulation is dependent on the individual, not the sexuality.  Let it also be known that bisexuals are not more inclined to join in on your ménage à trois tryst just because they have attraction to both sexes.  STOP USING IT AS THE HETERO HOLY GRAIL FANTASY THAT YOU CONTINUALLY PROPOSITION POOR SOULS WITH WHEN YOU’RE THREE SHEETS TO THE WIND.

Myth Five: Bisexuals are “dirty”, aka more like to carry sexually transmitted diseases.
Truth:
Absolutely not, and this accusation is just downright hurtful and rude.

Myth Six: Bisexuals are more likely to cheat on their partners.
Truth:
FALSE.  Bisexuals are no more or less likely to cheat on a monogamous relationship than any other sexuality.  Seeing that men and women are almost equally likely to cheat, looks like we’re all rocking in the same boat, really.  You wouldn’t let an infidelity in a heterosexual relationship taint your views of all heterosexuals, so please don’t allow it to do so with other identities.

Myth Seven:  You automatically become straight if you leave a same sex relationship for an opposite sex one (or reversely becoming gay if you leave an opposite sex relationship for a same sex one).
Truth:
NO NO NO NO NO.  Not confused, not being greedy, not promiscuous.  Literally just attracted to both sexes and not bothered to keep track of if dingaling or if cooter.
Also reference: literally the SAME CONCEPT as if your hetero relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend fell apart, so you started dating a different guy/girl.

Myth Eight:  Bisexuals are attracted to EVERYONE.
Truth: LOL.  If I could roll my eyes any further into the back of my head, they’d roll out my skull and down the god damn street.  While we ARE attracted to both sexes, we’re NOT attracted to idiots.  You’re safe.

Myth Nine: Bisexuality is 50/50.  If you’re bisexual, you’re attracted to males and females equally.
Truth: 
Oh my sweet llama, NO.  This is something that even I didn’t fully understand until I started reading up about bisexuality and hearing other bi experiences.  Bisexuality is NOT black and white.  It’s not 50/50.  It’s an entire spectrum/umbrella of fluidity and identity.

Myth Ten: The B in LGBTQ stands for Badass.
Truth: Yes, can confirm, this is 100% true.  More importantly, unlike the word subtle, the B in LGBTQ is NOT silent, and it stands for BISEXUAL.  SAY IT.

Happy Pride, everyone!
Let’s remember to be inclusive all months, but especially this month.
The acronym LGBTQIA+ stands for something, and it’s important to remember to create spaces that are safe for ALL identities involved.

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cover photo pc: Eat Drink Chic