Elemental Necessity

As someone who deals extensively with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, constantly being around people can be a really big hindrance to my recovery.

It’s incredibly draining to always be around that much stressed out, negative energy.

On this #SelfCareSunday, I’m sharing with you an adventure I took yesterday and how being out in my element really helps to recharge my batteries so I can better cope with life when I get back into the city.

I truly believe that when you’re struggling with Mental Illness, it is SO. IMPORTANT. to find something that brings you joy, calm, and happiness – and spend as MUCH time as possible within that element.  It’s necessarily for survival.

This survival element for me is nature photography and mountain climbing.  They easily go hand-in-hand, and I get a great deal of joy out of them both.  It’s nice to be out in the middle of nowhere, with just the sounds of nature – no background noise of honking vehicles and constant voices.  Just me, my own thoughts, the creaking of the trees, and the gusting of the wind.  It’s a great platform to clear my headspace and let go of the pent up stress and negativity that I end up carrying.

Troll Falls

Kananaskis, Alberta, Canada

When One Door Closes…

I got a letter in the mail today.

One that I was super anxious about receiving, that I busted my ass off for two years working towards, that I was praying would carry the answer I was longing for.

It didn’t.

I was hoping against everything to start my Bachelor of Nursing in September.  Today, I found out that I won’t be…and now I’m feeling a whole lot of things that I didn’t think I’d feel.

I’m devastated.  I worked so hard to get here, and it still wasn’t enough.  I spent two years trying to make up for my lack of any sort of will as a high school student, to enable me to take the next step towards what I wanted to do with my life…and yet, here I am – facing another year of waiting, another year of feeling completely lost within myself.

Everything that felt SO obtainable just a month ago, feels thousands of miles away right now, in this moment.

Sure, there are things I can do to keep trudging towards the end goal, but it’s been so long already that I just find myself asking,

“Is it really even worth it anymore?”

“Am I even smart enough to do this in the first place?”

“Do I have what it takes?”

“Is this a sign that I shouldn’t even be pursuing this because it’s not meant for me?”

How do you decide if what you thought you wanted to do more than anything is actually what you’re meant for?

Where do you draw the line and just accept that you’re not going to get there?

What the hell do you do if you DO decide this is the fork in the road, but have absolutely no inclination of what road you should even be on?

*sigh*

I thought I knew what I wanted to say, but I just find myself sitting here staring blankly at my screen.  I don’t think I can put my thoughts into words.

All I know is that I was unexpectedly propelled off course by this event, and I feel the gravitation of the black hole I escaped from pulling at me once again.

Find the open door…
You just have to find the open door…

 

This Is The Why

**TRIGGER WARNER: Self-Harm, Self-Harm Scars**

Disclaimer: I have received full permission to post my thoughts, and these photos.
Loren, I love you ❤


This is the why.

When I started this blog, I had no idea what direction it would take, and if you’d told me 4 years ago that I’d be making this post, I would have laughed in your face.  That won’t be me, no, never.

But here I am, and I honestly couldn’t be more proud or humbled to be here.

As you probably know by now I’ve dealt with Mental Illness my whole life, but only more recently (in the last year or two) has it become more intense.  One of the things that’s been therapeutic for myself in navigating the chaos has been to write about it and share my struggles.  I didn’t start sharing my story to get people’s attention, or to get sympathy.  I share it because it genuinely helps me to make sense of what is going on, and I needed to know it was out there on a platform that was larger than just myself.  I suppose a sort of hope for divine intervention, if you will.  I don’t even really know myself… I just know that it’s something I felt I’ve had to do as a part of my recovery.

The more that I shared and put my vulnerability out there, the more people that came to me sharing their similar stories in turn, and that made a really big impact on me.  It was really only then I truly realized that, hey, I’m NOT the only one stuck in this tornado of perpetual existential crises.  I’m not okay a lot of the time, but look how many other people are just as not okay as I am.  You just get stuck in this fallacy that you’re the only person out there who is traipsing around wearing this smile that doesn’t belong to you.

Though I had people sharing the depths of their souls with me, I still never imagined that I’d ever really make that much of an impact on someone.  I sometimes thought how nice it might be to have this affect on someone else, but still my reasoning – my why – was for myself, for my recovery.  I continued sharing my journey for my own betterment, and the thought of “hey, maybe someone somewhere will find something positive in all of this” existed, vaguely, in the background.  As humans, I believe we’re innately inclined to helping each other, but I think we forget just how exactly we DO help others in ways we don’t expect.

It’s sad really, because we do not realize the positive power that we hold, that our words hold, that our story holds.

Flash forward to last night when I had this ceiling absolutely shattered in the most unexpected way possible.  As usual, I was browsing my social medias before settling into bed for the night.  It’s been a rough few days; I’ve been feeling really down, hardcore judging myself and comparing where and who I am to those who seem far better and far more successful than I… in short, I was feeling like a waste of skin, if I’m being completely honest.

And then…

I was notified that I’d been tagged in this post:

 

The flood gates were completely obliterated.
H*ck, the dam is gushing as I type this even now.

YOU. INSPIRED. ME. TO. MAKE. THIS. POST.

WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

For someone who is struggling, who has scars that are road maps to the pain and suffering they have endured, who has fresh wounds from the pain and suffering they still endure, to be vulnerable enough to share that with the world can be terrifying, crippling, not even in the question….

Yet…someone was able to share THAT level of vulnerability BECAUSE OF ME.

I literally have no words for that.  All I can do is just let the tears flow, and clutch my heart in endless gratitude that my story has reached someone so deeply.   That my journey has made a positive difference to someone trying to make sense of their own.

I won’t share her story with you because it is not my story to tell, but I will say this:  Loren has endured FAR more than any human should ever have to during their time around the Sun.  I’m not comparing her story to mine or anyone else’s because every single story matters, no matter the weight…but man, her story is a heavy, heavy one.

So, to Loren:

You are one of THE strongest, most resilient people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. You’ve been knocked down, over and over, by things that would completely ruin others yet you get back up EVERY SINGLE TIME.  I admire you SO fucking much for how you’ve handled life’s blows.  You are the sweetest, most caring, loving individual, and you deserve nothing but all of the good this world has to offer.  Your ring is fucking GORGEOUS, you deserve to feel so special, and I hope each day that passes your courage to show it off rises.  Your scars don’t define you.  They are symbols that you’ve made it through every single shit-sandwich day; they’re a symbol of the warrior that dwells within you, and I hope that you always know just how incredible she is.  If you forget, don’t worry – I’ll remind you.  I am SO proud of you, and how far you’ve come, and I know you’ll get to where you need to be.

And, thank you.
Thank you for your trust.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for being so fucking brave.

Thank you for allowing me to share this piece of your story.

Thank you, for simply being you.

This is the why.  
Because this is a community that holds each other up when times get tough.  This is a community that cheers you on across the finish line, even when you don’t think you have it in you to get that far.  This is a community that continues to support you even after you get there.

This is the why.
Because people (like Loren) deserve happiness.
People deserve to live free of judgement.
People deserve to know they are fucking amazing.
People deserve to know how strong and incredible they are.
People deserve to know just how much they are loved, and how much their story matters.

This is the why.
Because I see now what my words are capable of, and I want to continue on being inspired by others, and maybe (hopefully) inspiring others, too.

Fifty One

I did another thing.

That seems to be a theme…doing the things.

I’ve really been digging having fun “fashion coloured” hair, and when it came time to visit my salon again, I started thinking about switching it up and what I could do.  I really love the pink, I do, but there are SO MANY other fun colours out there to try!!!

Enter the INCREDIBLY AMAZING Creative Director of my hair aka my stylist @hairbyjesseray for bringing this to life:

    

bluehair1bluehair2

I’M SO IN LOVE IT’S DISGUSTING

You can also peep my Wear Your Label “Anxious but Courageous” sweater!
So cozy, and don’t forget that you can use code MAYETTE10 to save 10% off your purchase! 
Your support honestly means the world to me!
ALSO!  Wear Your Label has some new stuff for spring, so check it out here!

Happy #SelfCare Sunday, Marshmallows!

❤ ❤ ❤