I got a letter in the mail today.
One that I was super anxious about receiving, that I busted my ass off for two years working towards, that I was praying would carry the answer I was longing for.
It didn’t.
I was hoping against everything to start my Bachelor of Nursing in September. Today, I found out that I won’t be…and now I’m feeling a whole lot of things that I didn’t think I’d feel.
I’m devastated. I worked so hard to get here, and it still wasn’t enough. I spent two years trying to make up for my lack of any sort of will as a high school student, to enable me to take the next step towards what I wanted to do with my life…and yet, here I am – facing another year of waiting, another year of feeling completely lost within myself.
Everything that felt SO obtainable just a month ago, feels thousands of miles away right now, in this moment.
Sure, there are things I can do to keep trudging towards the end goal, but it’s been so long already that I just find myself asking,
“Is it really even worth it anymore?”
“Am I even smart enough to do this in the first place?”
“Do I have what it takes?”
“Is this a sign that I shouldn’t even be pursuing this because it’s not meant for me?”
How do you decide if what you thought you wanted to do more than anything is actually what you’re meant for?
Where do you draw the line and just accept that you’re not going to get there?
What the hell do you do if you DO decide this is the fork in the road, but have absolutely no inclination of what road you should even be on?
*sigh*
I thought I knew what I wanted to say, but I just find myself sitting here staring blankly at my screen. I don’t think I can put my thoughts into words.
All I know is that I was unexpectedly propelled off course by this event, and I feel the gravitation of the black hole I escaped from pulling at me once again.
Find the open door…
You just have to find the open door…
M A T E J K A 
Stay strong there, girl! I can only imagine, how devastating it must be. I have been in a similar situation, where although I did get a degree, I ended up doing something completely opposite to what I wanted to do (despite working my butt off for 4 years) or thought that I wanted to do and to be honest, I still contemplate my life choices on daily basis. But what I do say to myself every day is that everything happens for a reason. Maybe it wasn’t meant to happen this year, because it is not the right time, or perhaps because life has something else planned out there for you. So just take it one day at the time, because life is full of surprises and you just never know…
Thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and share your thoughts! ❤ That is something I contemplate, that maybe life has something else planned for me. Either way, this is a great time to take some time to learn a little more about myself and see what's even in this world! 🙂
I’m sorry you won’t be able to start your bachelors when you wanted. It’s hard when you’ve worked so much for it. I’ve been in the same situation, just got rejected from a school a few weeks ago actually. It does make you question everything. It’s a competitive market out there,a lot of majors and programs are impacted, especially nursing. There are so many factors that goes into decisions like that, I don’t feel it has any reflection on how smart you are or how much work you’ve put into this.
I consider myself an intelligent person who also happens to be pretty academic and before my recent mental health issues I held tight onto a 4.0. But I can’t seem to get away from this community college lol, I’ve been going to it for almost four years now. It makes me feel as if I’m a failure. But the truth is you could be the smartest person and still get turned down because someone else has one more volunteer experience over you, or the program needs to fill a demographic quota for funding. I feel education is a matter of patience and exploration. I managed to find a job in my field without any degree at all, good pay too (psych major, one of the highest impacted majors out there). I guess I just want to say I know it’s hard now, but you will get there in your own time, right when you need to.
Whoever you are, thank you. I REALLY needed to hear that right now.
You’re very welcome. Things will get better, hang in there 🙂