M A T E J K A

This Is The Why

**TRIGGER WARNER: Self-Harm, Self-Harm Scars**

Disclaimer: I have received full permission to post my thoughts, and these photos.
Loren, I love you ❤

This is the why.

When I started this blog, I had no idea what direction it would take, and if you’d told me 4 years ago that I’d be making this post, I would have laughed in your face. That won’t be me, no, never.

But here I am, and I honestly couldn’t be more proud or humbled to be here.

As you probably know by now I’ve dealt with Mental Illness my whole life, but only more recently (in the last year or two) has it become more intense. One of the things that’s been therapeutic for myself in navigating the chaos has been to write about it and share my struggles. I didn’t start sharing my story to get people’s attention, or to get sympathy. I share it because it genuinely helps me to make sense of what is going on, and I needed to know it was out there on a platform that was larger than just myself. I suppose a sort of hope for divine intervention, if you will. I don’t even really know myself… I just know that it’s something I felt I’ve had to do as a part of my recovery.

The more that I shared and put my vulnerability out there, the more people that came to me sharing their similar stories in turn, and that made a really big impact on me. It was really only then I truly realized that, hey, I’m NOT the only one stuck in this tornado of perpetual existential crises. I’m not okay a lot of the time, but look how many other people are just as not okay as I am. You just get stuck in this fallacy that you’re the only person out there who is traipsing around wearing this smile that doesn’t belong to you.

Though I had people sharing the depths of their souls with me, I still never imagined that I’d ever really make that much of an impact on someone. I sometimes thought how nice it might be to have this affect on someone else, but still my reasoning – my why – was for myself, for my recovery. I continued sharing my journey for my own betterment, and the thought of “hey, maybe someone somewhere will find something positive in all of this” existed, vaguely, in the background. As humans, I believe we’re innately inclined to helping each other, but I think we forget just how exactly we DO help others in ways we don’t expect.

It’s sad really, because we do not realize the positive power that we hold, that our words hold, that our story holds.

Flash forward to last night when I had this ceiling absolutely shattered in the most unexpected way possible. As usual, I was browsing my social medias before settling into bed for the night. It’s been a rough few days; I’ve been feeling really down, hardcore judging myself and comparing where and who I am to those who seem far better and far more successful than I… in short, I was feeling like a waste of skin, if I’m being completely honest.

And then…

I was notified that I’d been tagged in this post:

The flood gates were completely obliterated.
H*ck, the dam is gushing as I type this even now.

YOU. INSPIRED. ME. TO. MAKE. THIS. POST.

WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

For someone who is struggling, who has scars that are road maps to the pain and suffering they have endured, who has fresh wounds from the pain and suffering they still endure, to be vulnerable enough to share that with the world can be terrifying, crippling, not even in the question….

Yet…someone was able to share THAT level of vulnerability BECAUSE OF ME.

I literally have no words for that. All I can do is just let the tears flow, and clutch my heart in endless gratitude that my story has reached someone so deeply. That my journey has made a positive difference to someone trying to make sense of their own.

I won’t share her story with you because it is not my story to tell, but I will say this: Loren has endured FAR more than any human should ever have to during their time around the Sun. I’m not comparing her story to mine or anyone else’s because every single story matters, no matter the weight…but man, her story is a heavy, heavy one.

So, to Loren:

You are one of THE strongest, most resilient people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. You’ve been knocked down, over and over, by things that would completely ruin others yet you get back up EVERY SINGLE TIME. I admire you SO fucking much for how you’ve handled life’s blows. You are the sweetest, most caring, loving individual, and you deserve nothing but all of the good this world has to offer. Your ring is fucking GORGEOUS, you deserve to feel so special, and I hope each day that passes your courage to show it off rises. Your scars don’t define you. They are symbols that you’ve made it through every single shit-sandwich day; they’re a symbol of the warrior that dwells within you, and I hope that you always know just how incredible she is. If you forget, don’t worry – I’ll remind you. I am SO proud of you, and how far you’ve come, and I know you’ll get to where you need to be.

And, thank you.
Thank you for your trust.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for being so fucking brave.
Thank you for allowing me to share this piece of your story.

Thank you, for simply being you.

This is the why.
Because this is a community that holds each other up when times get tough. This is a community that cheers you on across the finish line, even when you don’t think you have it in you to get that far. This is a community that continues to support you even after you get there.

This is the why.
Because people (like Loren) deserve happiness.
People deserve to live free of judgement.
People deserve to know they are fucking amazing.
People deserve to know how strong and incredible they are.
People deserve to know just how much they are loved, and how much their story matters.

This is the why.
Because I see now what my words are capable of, and I want to continue on being inspired by others, and maybe (hopefully) inspiring others, too.

Fifty One

I did another thing.

That seems to be a theme…doing the things.

I’ve really been digging having fun “fashion coloured” hair, and when it came time to visit my salon again, I started thinking about switching it up and what I could do. I really love the pink, I do, but there are SO MANY other fun colours out there to try!!!

Enter the INCREDIBLY AMAZING Creative Director of my hair aka my stylist @hairbyjesseray for bringing this to life:

I’M SO IN LOVE IT’S DISGUSTING

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

You can also peep my Wear Your Label “Anxious but Courageous” sweater!
So cozy, and don’t forget that you can use code MAYETTE10 to save 10% off your purchase!
Your support honestly means the world to me!
ALSO! Wear Your Label has some new stuff for spring, so check it out here!

Happy #SelfCare Sunday, Marshmallows!

❤ ❤ ❤

I Did A Thing

So… I did a thing.

It’s a thing that’s needed to happen for a while now, I just hadn’t realized.

If you’ve followed along with me so far, then you may have noticed something… different.
Something changed.
Something gone from where it’s been for the last 4 years.

That something is the absence of “The Wardrobe Key”.

Though this feels REALLY weird (and kinda sad) knowing that I am no longer associating with “The Wardrobe Key” branding, it’s also very… FREEING.

Here’s why:

When I first decided to get into blogging, I had NO plan. No idea of where I really saw it going, or where I wanted it to go. I just knew I wanted to write about things that stirred passion within me – whatever that may be; initially, the forefront of that passion lay in fashion. When it came time to actually creating my blog (and essentially, my brand – though I hate that description because I am not a product on a shelf) – I kept drawing up blanks. I scoured the internet for HOURS looking for inspiration to help me figure it out.

That should have been my first red flag.

Not to say that coveting your inspiration from the internet is a bad thing, but when you’re searching for something that is supposed to define you as a whole, and that is going to define you and stay with you – that’s BIGLY BAD.

(Ayyyyyyy, you still suck DT)

Point is, I had somewhat of an idea of what I wanted my content to be, but I had no idea how to encompass that into one name – and ultimately the name I chose ended up being a poor fit.

I created “The Wardrobe Key” because it had a good ring to it, didn’t sound super ridiculous, I could explain it and connect it to what I was writing about (sort of) and it was available.

But it wasn’t ME. I’ve tried and tried to make it work, but it’s just. not. me.

It didn’t allow me the freedom I was hoping for. Instead of permitting me an array of outlets, it stuck me in a box and taped the lid. Each time I tried to branch away from fashion, it just felt WRONG. It felt like I was betraying TWK branding.

You know when you play Tetris and you’re on a roll, and all of the blocks are lining up and fitting together perfectly, and your scoring is EPIC? Yeah. TOTAL OPPOSITE OF THAT.

I’ve tried and tried to spin TWK different ways in my head to fit the direction I want this platform to go, and it just WASN’T WORKING. I was feeling like I let myself down. I was feeling trapped, and I was feeling miserable. Had I made a giant mistake starting this whole thing at all???

Instead of freedom to write about fashion (yes), and culture, and influence, and personal struggle, and travel, and whatever else came about in my life – I felt confined…to a very VERY linear subject area with little to no room for grey. And I need the grey.

I NEED THE GREY SO DAMN BAD.

As much as I have struggled with the thought of letting TWK go (it feels like this little being that I’ve nursed and taken care of that I’m now just abandoning…) , this feels like the right thing to do for me.

I Am Matejka allows me to be me – all encompassing.
No black and white.
No cut and dry.
ALL THE GREY I NEED.

I Am Matejka represents and illustrates ALL of me.
It opens the door to all of the creative possibilities that are a part of my soul.
It’s the door that I should have chosen from Day 1.

If you’re used to thewardrobekey.com, you can still access iammatejka.com from that domain 🙂

If you’re used to thewardrobekey@hotmail.com, you can still email me via that carrier.
(Or you can use the new one – iammatejka@gmail.com) 🙂

You can still find me on Instagram, through @iammatejka 🙂

And…

you are maybe wondering, “How the hell does ‘Matejka’ have anything to do with you?”

Let me break it down for you:

There’s a few monikers I’ve gone by throughout my life. Most notably:
*Mayette (my given name)
*Ski (the nickname that really only my mother uses)
*Matty (the most common nickname – thanks, Liz!)
*Matejka (really a pet name from my boyfriend’s heritage, which essentially means “little Matty” – truly fitting in all perspectives. Should be spelled Matyka, but I like the look and sound of Matejka better 🙂 SUE ME – but please don’t actually)

So there you have it!

Hopefully you have a better understanding now of why you can’t find TWK anymore, and I hope you’ll support me in this “re-branding” of myself. I’ve been trying really hard to live a more authentic life, and this just felt like the right next step in doing that.

❤

Forty Nine

DISCLAIMER: There is strong language used in this post. #SorryNotSorry for it. I’m fed up.

I started this blog primarily as a fashion blog. To essentially play dress up with my favourite outfits and share them all with you. I’ve always been complimented for my sense of style, so it’s been fun to share my creations and to gather inspiration from others! For a while now though, I’ve been finding my love of the fashion world dwindling, and after this past week, it’s safe to say: fashion can FUCK OFF.

Yep, I said it, and part of me can’t even believe it, but there it is. Now I think I understand better why some (most) women hate shopping for themselves. I am feeling SO defeated and just…nothing positive, so I won’t even express those feelings out loud.

Since I started my medications about 2 months ago for my depression and anxiety, I have gained a significant amount of weight – about 12 pounds. It wasn’t super shocking; I expected this knowing weight gain was a potential side effect. While that might not sound like much, in 2 months on my 5’5″ frame – that’s a lot… and honestly, I hadn’t really given it much thought; if I did, I would redirect those thoughts in a positive direction.

👉👉👉 re: cute little belly is cute.

Standing in *generic store name here* though, I found that an impossible task to do. I could not escape the extra weight in those lovely 360 degree mirrors. You know, those mirrors that I swear to GOD are designed to highlight every “flaw” you have and implant a deep-seated hatred towards yourself – one that has you walking out having spent more money than you intended when you walked in in an effort to curb the loathing.

Walking in wearing a size 6 pant with room in the waist, having to choose size 8 and 10 from the racks, and struggle to gain the cooperation and permission of my newly thicker thighs, I felt a very familiar disgust towards what I saw in the mirror. I gave up. I just stood there in my skivvies, bare and vulnerable, going over every inch of my new body with a fine-toothed comb. I’ve been working SO HARD on building and promoting self-love and positive affirmation when I gaze at my reflection, and all it took was 5 fucking minutes in a dressing room to unravel all the work I had done. The industry that I had so loved before had enormously let me down.

I was disgusted; disgusted at the dimples and extra rolls that stared back at me, and disgusted at myself for having fallen back into this trap of negativity.

That disgust SHOULD be directed at the companies who clearly don’t know how to size clothing anymore (how can I be 3+ sizes at one fucking time?!), but my disdain immediately went to my newly developed ponch and I wanted to just admit defeat and cry.

In talking with others, and in seeing different posts on the internet regarding this exact topic, I just wonder… How does the fashion industry think that it’s okay or even necessary to vary clothing sizes so greatly? (Anyone else remember when they were one size in every single store, but are now probably any variation between 4-6 different sizes?) How can they do so knowing how this will absolutely affect girls and women psychologically? Anyone in fashion familiar with the phrase, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”???

WHEN DOES IT END? WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE FUCKING LINE?!

Had I been younger, this experience would have had me revisiting my ED tendencies. I’m struggling to keep those thoughts at bay even now…

Fortunately, there is always a silver lining. For me, it’s that I have my eyes wide open to the stats and the struggles that I was so blind to in my privilege before. My whole life, even previous to my dealing with anorexia and bulimia, I have been tiny statured by nature. I was always able to go into any store and find something that fit, and that I felt great in. I never understood why some people hated shopping. I never recognized the struggle that others faced because I couldn’t relate to it..and I have no problem admitting that now. I was naive.

While we’re here, let’s review some stats, shall we?

According to a 2002 survey, 28% of girls in grade nine and 29% in grade ten engaged in weight-loss behaviours (in a class of 30 students, that’s roughly 8 to 9 people).
37% of girls in grade nine and 40% in grade ten perceived themselves as too fat (in a class of 30 students, that’s roughly 11 to 12 people). Even among students of normal-weight (based on BMI), 19% believed that they were too fat, and 12% of students reported attempting to lose weight.
In a survey of adolescents in grades 7–12, 30% of girls and 25% of boys reported teasing by peers about their weight. Such teasing has been found to persist in the home as well – 29% of girls and 16% of boys reported having been teased by a family member about their weight.
Body-based teasing can have a serious impact on girls’ attitudes and behaviours. According to one study, girls who reported teasing by family members were 1.5 TIMES MORE LIKELY to engage in binge-eating and extreme weight control behaviours five years later.
In a study of 14–15 year old adolescents, girls who engaged in strict dieting practices were 18 TIMES MORE LIKELY to develop an ED within six months than non-dieters, and had almost a 20% chance of developing an ED within one year
At least 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S.
Every 62 minutes at least one person dies as a direct result from an eating disorder.
Eating disorders have the highest morality rate of any mental illness.
13% of women over 50 engage in eating disorder behaviours.
16% of transgender college students reported having an eating disorder.
Eating disorders affect all races and ethnic groups.

These stats (and others) can be found here and here.

More than anything, I’m fucking angry. This bullshit that if you’re not between the sizes of 000 and 3 that you’re not valid or worthy is just that – BULLSHIT. That if you don’t look like the woman on the cover of a magazine, you’re not acceptable. You know, that woman who doesn’t even look like the woman on the cover of the magazine? Yeah.

FUCK these societal standards and FUCK these oppressive fashion standards.

What’s unacceptable is how the modern fashion world operates in tandem with society; what’s NOT is YOUR BODY. I find my love of the fashion world diminishing because I can no longer cater so heavily to an industry that literally propels itself on the destruction of the very demographic it’s created for.

It’s not that I didn’t realize these things before. It’s that I ignored them, turned a blind eye, because I felt like they didn’t directly affect me. All you have to do is flip open a history book to see how productive that mind-set really is…

So going forward, this is what I want you to take away from this rant:

I can’t say that I won’t ever do any fashion posts again. It’s not true, and I’d be lying to myself and to you if I said it. But I will do my absolutely best to shop consciously and create in a way that is body positive and inclusive. I’m still learning and growing myself. I hope you’ll allow me the space I need to expand my thinking, and the constructive criticism that will help me get to a better place.

Women can be vicious creatures, especially towards one another. I hope that we can create a #GuildofGirls who pledge to stand up for and support each other, while standing against those who seek to pit us against one another and tear us apart.

MOST IMPORTANTLY:
You don’t have to be thin to be worthy of happiness, love and acceptance; you don’t have to be thin to BE happy and loved and accepted.

You don’t have to strive to look airbrushed 100% of the time. You don’t need to keep hurting yourself to fit into a mould that isn’t even REAL. A favourite quote of mine is: “Beyonce doesn’t even look like Beyonce.” Cut yourself some slack. You are a bona fide beauty just the way you are.

That cellulite, those belly rolls, those angel wings (aka extra flap of skin under your arms) – EVERY SINGLE WOMAN has at least one of the above. It’s normal, it’s okay, it’s beautiful. You don’t have to be ashamed of these parts of yourself.

IT’S OKAY TO STRUGGLE WITH HOW YOU FEEL WHEN CHANGES HAPPEN TO YOU AND TO YOUR BODY. I’ve been struggling to accept my new body, but I’m trying, and that’s what matters.

Unfollow those IG accounts that have you uttering hateful things about yourself every time you browse them. Stop reading magazines if the only reason you’re picking them up is to measure yourself against what you’ll find inside. Respectfully ask those in your life to refrain from commenting on your body, and be okay with letting negative people go in order to maintain your own sanity. Seek out body positive people in your life, and in your social medias. Reach out and ask for help, or lend support to others who are needing it. We are all in this together more than we even realize.

“Your body is not the enemy”. No. It absolutely is not.

You are SO MUCH MORE than what you look like.

Cover photo courtesy of Wear Your Label
Shirt available for purchase here. Use “MAYETTE10” to save! ❤

Forty Eight

Hello!

I have the most exciting news!!!

As most of you know by now, I’ve opened up quite a bit over the last couple of years about my personal struggles with Mental Illness. A huge catalyst of being able to do so has been Wear Your Label – an extraordinary, rapidly growing, Canadian company that fights back against the stigma of Mental Illness/Mental Health in pretty cool ways. Along with some stellar threads that showcase positive MH slogans, they also donate 10% of net profits to partner initiatives!

Their conscious clothing line has given me my own strength; it’s allowed me to take back ownership of myself and not just be seen as the obstacles I combat each day. It’s also introduced me to a safe community of people that I can look to if everything were to blow up in my face.

Having said that, I am SO SO SO incredibly excited to be able to share with you all that I’m “officially” a member of the WYL family!

I have been chosen to represent them as a Brand Ambassador for 2017!

My heart is exploding with joy, excitement, and gratitude at the phenomenal year I know lies ahead. This is a company I’ve deeply appreciated and supported, and I’m happier than a kid in a candy store to have this opportunity to further spread Mental Health Awareness with some really awesome people!

There will be some perks along the way, I promise — like this promo code!

If you want to help to break the stigma behind Mental Illness and promote healthy conversations about Mental Health, use code MAYETTE10 when you check out to save 10% on your order! Head on over to http://www.wearyourlabel.com and treat yo self…Or a friend or family member Share the love and spread the word!

I just want to say Thank You to everyone who has supported me, without judgement, who allow me to be me (in whatever that entails), and who continue to support me. I honestly can’t thank you enough, and I hope you’ll stay on this journey with me

Exciting things await this year so please stay tuned!

I can’t wait to generate conversation and hopefully spoil my Marshmallows along the way!

❤ xoxo
Mayette

#BellLetsTalk

Hi Marshmallows!

blt

It’s one of my favourite days of the year

Just a few years ago, I would have had a very different reaction for this day (hint: it wouldn’t have been excitement…). I would have done everything I could to spend the day like a hermit and avoid conversing at all costs. It’s a dark place to be in when even you’re afraid of your mental health struggles.

However, today is a different day and a different time; the further I come on my mental health journey, the easier it gets to talk about the obstacles I face and advocate for abolishing the stigma so others feel safe in sharing their stories, too.

So – #BellLetsTalk about how it’s OKAY to make noise about Mental Health. It’s OKAY to struggle and talk about those struggles. It’s OKAY to have bad days. It’s OKAY to give an honest answer when someone asks you, “So how are you REALLY doing?”.

Donning my #AnxietyAlliance tee proudly from @wearyourlabel to let others know that I’m anxious, too, and it’s a welcome and safe invitation to enter a conversation about it

All of us have hardships and struggles, and lately my anxiety has been a real big one for me. I’ve had crippling days; days where I can’t get out of bed, let alone even think about leaving my house. Days where I feel like I’m not good enough for anything. Days where it all just becomes so overwhelming. Days where I honestly think things will just never, ever start to get better. But they do, and they have. Had I known that reaching out for help and telling my story to someone sooner would have resulted in my healing beginning a lot sooner, I wouldn’t have suffered in silence for so long. My eyes were also opened to just how many incredible, supportive, loving people I had around me when I allowed the walls to fall and the dam to break, and I am so SO grateful for each and every one of them. I would not be able to so openly stand up and share my story today if not for them all. I may not even have been standing here at all. ALL my love and support right back. xoxo

And I want you to know, if you’re reading this and struggling, that it’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to ask for help if you’re ready to take that step. You are valid, you are worthy, and you’re so NOT alone in your journey. Whether you realize or not, there is a community of warriors and of survivors that will take you by the hand and support you every step along the way.

It takes a lot, for a lot of people, to talk about what they have experienced or what they are going through, and so I just want to throw out a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has shared their story today. I’ve seen so many brave, inspiring stories full of strength on my News Feeds…far more than I’ve ever seen – and what an incredible sight, indeed.

Your openness, willingness, and trust is helping to pave this road so that those who have come before us, those who are with us, and those who will come after us will have a much smoother journey. From someone who has only recently taken the first steps toward the sunshine, that is something so amazing.

Today is not just for today. Let’s keep the conversations going for the next 364 days. Not all of us struggle with mental health obstacles, but we all have mental health to take care of.

All my love to all of you XOXO Never be too humble to reach out.

Forty Six

Hello Marshmallows!

It’s 2017! A whole new year!

I’ve been thinking about doing a New Year post for, well, precisely 9 days now.

As New Years posts go, they generally include some kind of “New Year Resolution”…though, I’ve tried really hard this year to not have anything specific, or anything written in stone. As history would show, I don’t have the best luck with them. Generally when I would profess any kind of resolution in the past, it wouldn’t actually end anywhere other than my own misery and disappointment. In light of this fact, I’ve decided this year to throw any and all promises of doing out the window, and allow myself the space to just do.

Resolutions are usually always about “new year, new me”, but I don’t need to be a “new me”. I don’t want to be, either. Instead, I want to simply look back on how much stronger I am, how much I’ve grown, and the things I’ve actually accomplished without obligation. Instead, I want to look forward to how much I have to gain, how many possibilities are out there to grab hold of, and concentrate on becoming a better version of yesterday’s self.

In expressing that, I also decided that this was the perfect timing to throw all caution to the wind and start living my life FOR ME.

Which is why I did this:

Yep! I took a HUGE leap of faith and just did it.
#PinkHairDontCare *insert sassy emoji girl here*
(thanks to my amazing stylist, Jesse! ❤ ❤ ❤ )

My Christmas gift to myself was to do something I’ve wanted to do for years but never actually had the cajones to do. I’d been too afraid of what people would say, or how people would react, that I was always able to talk myself out of doing something that I really wanted because of someone else – or a few someone elses. Isn’t that how it always goes?

(Can we just take a moment to acknowledge how CRAZY that sounds when you say it out loud?!)

I can’t even express how freeing and magical it feels to throw everyone else’s opinions out the window. I’m finally allowing it all to be on MY terms now – how it should have been all along. No more second guessing my own happiness for the thoughts of others and the fear of what that might bring. No more allowing anyone else to dictate how my story should and will be written.

People will forever have opinions about you. People will always judge you.
For anything, for everything.

Forget the haters and do whatever the hell you want. THEIR OPINIONS DON’T MATTER. You do. Your opinions matter. Your happiness matters the most.

It’s been almost 2 weeks now that I’ve had pink hair, and the only regret I have is that I didn’t do it sooner. Every single time I see it in the mirror, I can’t help but smile and giggle. It makes me SO HAPPY, and it’s brought me a level of confidence that I wasn’t sure would ever exist.

For the first time in almost 30 years (that’s a LONG FRIGGING TIME PEOPLE), I finally – truly – feel more like the me that was meant to be in this body than ever. I don’t care if people think I’m weird, or different, or too “out there”, or “not conservative enough”. It doesn’t matter. Whether people love my hair, or whether people hate my hair – it makes absolutely no difference to me because I adore it, and that’s the bottom line. Being “normal” is far over-rated (what is normal, anyway?), and life is utterly too short to not have fun.

On a related note, I suppose the same can be said about myself in general. Somehow with my fuschia locks, I am newly entitled to this freedom to just BE ME – whatever that actually looks like. I’ve thought a lot about this blog and what I want it to look like, and I’ve realized that I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. I’ve been trying to fit myself into this pre-constructed mould of what I SHOULD look like in the blogging world. Instead of writing about and sharing the things that bring me joy completely, I’ve been neglectful and resentful because I feel like I can’t keep par.

Fashion is one of the things that I am passionate about, but there are SO MANY OTHERS from all different facets, excluding the fashion world. I’ve decided that I’m going to turn the focus from this being an exclusive blog about fashion to a blog just simply about me – and whatever that entails. Whether that be mental health, or what I wore to the movies, or the newest adventure I’ve been on. It’s not going to have a specific topic focus. It’s going to be messy, a little all over the map, and have some kinks and quirks that I will not iron out. It’s going to be “everything but the kitchen sink”, so-to-speak – and that’s just how it should be because that’s just how I am; a little bit of everything.

So … I have absolutely no idea what this means going forward, but I’m hoping that I will be able to once again find the jubilation in writing, and in creating. Whether you like me, whether you hate me, or whether you simply just tolerate me – it makes not much of a difference. This is a journey I’ve begun – to start living and doing – for me, and no one else. But, if you’re on this journey with me, regardless … thank you. I’m looking forward to what will unfold.

❤

Forty Five

I have been waiting SO LONG to be able to share these photos…and though the wait may have felt long, it was definitely worth it. YES. SO MUCH YES.

I was lucky enough to get to spend this day with seven other beautiful women. We had an insane amount of fun creating 7 different Halloween ‘characters’ and bringing them to life. I won’t say much else, and I’ll just let the photos speak for themselves.

All photo credit goes to Jan Stolee Photography.

Can We Get Real For A Minute?

Trigger Warning: Mental Illness, Depression, Manic Depression.

I wanted to make this post because, for a lack of better wording, I need to.
So, can we get real with each other for just a minute? Or maybe a few…

Hi, I’m Mayette. 🙂

I’m 29 years old. I’m a Virgo. I was born in a small city in Alberta, Canada. I was raised as a country girl living in the city, and so, I love country music. Well, I love quite a few genres of music really. I love to sing, even though I may not excel at it sometimes. I was a competitive dancer for 16 years, and I still love to dance just as much now. I love sketching and drawing. I love painting. Hiking and spending as much of my time in the mountains as possible brings a smile to my face. I love animals, and will probably get more excited to see your dog than I will to see you (lol). I love theatre, both stage and film. I love fashion, and the creativity and fun that it brings.

I’m a dreamer. I’m a giver. I’m an empath. I’m a granddaughter, a daughter, a girlfriend, a friend. I’m clinically Depressed, Manic Depressive and nursing a newborn Anxiety baby. …And nothing else that I told you, or didn’t tell you, about myself matters as soon as I mention my mental illness…because once it’s said, it’s all you’ll see.

I know, I know. I know what you’re thinking, because I get it all the time. Why do I mention my mental illness then if I don’t want people to know about it? Why bring focus to it if it doesn’t define who I am? The simple answer is because people will know about it, regardless of if I come right out and say it, and as much as I want to tell myself that my mental illness doesn’t define me – it does; in that moment of suffering, of fighting, of dealing, it defines every millisecond. And that’s OKAY, but we need to get more comfortable with talking about it. With listening. With understanding.

Living with mental illness is not something I can hide – or at least not hide very well. It’s incredibly frustrating when you’re dealing with a whole tonne of stuff that you just don’t know how to explain… sometimes you just don’t even want to try to explain it.

I’ve been having a rough go of it lately – a slump, if you will. A lot of things have happened in my life, it just seems like one thing after another after another, and so in these moments I’ve been taking notes. I’ve been trying to put into layman’s terms exactly what I’m going through when I’m going through it, or how I’m feeling while I’m feeling it. I’ve made notes, and I’m writing them out on this public platform because I’m tired.

I’m tired of being misjudged and misunderstood.
I’m tired of being forgotten because I’ve been labelled the unreliable friend.
I’m tired of having no explanation to give for those who ask.
I’m just tired – literally – all the time; what I fight against every day feels like it’s constantly sucking the life out of me (think Dementors from Harry Potter).

I hate living with mental illness, and here’s 30 reasons why:

1) It’s living in a prison; it’s like having the whole world in front of you, but your mind keeping you chained to the spot you’re standing in.

2) It’s feeling so lost that you can’t concentrate. Your mind wanders, and before you know it hours have gone by and you’re left feeling wasted and useless.

3) It’s locking yourself in your bedroom on a gorgeous day because you’ve just had enough – of people, of stimulation, of thinking and of not being able to think.

It’s eating pizza curled up in bed, washed down by the tears that are streaming out of your eyes.

4) It’s screaming to yourself more times than you can count: WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL?!

5) It’s being cast as constantly over-emotional or crazy, in the production I never auditioned for in the first place.

6) It’s like being stuck with a roommate that you can’t stand, yet not being able to catch them in their wrong-doings to have any leverage for evicting them.

7) It’s collapsing into bed the minute you walk in the door, shoes and coat still on, because you don’t have the energy to remove them. It’s wanting to hide from the world as fast as you possibly can, even if that means having to clean the dirt off of your bedsheets later.

8) It’s feeling like you have to be strong all the time so that others will associate with you; so they won’t see you as a burden. It’s constantly feeling like you have to have strength for everyone around you, including yourself. It’s feeling like you’ve allowed others to rest their sorrows on your shoulder, but having no where to rest your own.

9) It’s feeling like absolutely no one else in the world relates to you, or could possibly understand what you’re going through. It’s exhausting, to the point where there are days that I wish I could sleep for weeks on end.

10) It’s feeling everything all at once, and yet feeling absolutely nothing at all. Feeling so numb that you don’t even notice your ribs moving in and out as you breathe… wait, are you even breathing anymore?

11) It’s driving and not realizing how you got from Point A to Point B.

12) It’s losing control of the grip you’re convinced you have, and bringing disappointment to others. It’s having those mistakes follow you like shadows, constantly lurking – though only you can see them. It’s embarrassing yourself when you break down in front of others because you SHOULD have had this under control.

13) It’s being unmedicated and feeling like a chaotic version of yourself that leaves nothing but destruction in your wake. It’s being medicated and hating every part of it because it’s left you as an empty shell of yourself; a void simply taking up space. It’s going off of your meds because you’ve convinced yourself (and your doctor) that “You got this” , and then greeting the panic and self-loathing that knock on your door when you feel yourself losing control again. So, it’s going back on your meds, only to get upset that you can’t ACTUALLY get upset about how it once again has left you feeling like you’ve been devoured by The Nothing… so you decide to go back off of your meds and try alternatives. Repeat this cycle for infinity.

14) It’s knowing that if you had a broken bone, or a surgical procedure, that people would be there to comfort you, to check in on you, to surround you with love. It’s knowing that when they find out your ailments are caused by your mental illness you’ll be surrounded by blame, contempt and apathy. It’s wishing that you could break a bone, or have an internal organ removed instead.

15) It’s looking forward to your favourite fitness class (and getting out of the house) because it always cheers you up – yet getting there and hating every single moment of it because you feel like everything you’re going through is tattooed onto your skin, and everyone is looking at you – and they KNOW. It’s leaving, piling into your vehicle a crumpled mess of tears, and driving home feeling more defeated than ever.

16) It’s having one, two, three, four bad days in a row. It’s feeling incredibly guilty for even having ONE bad day, especially if there’s nothing in your life to be upset about. When bad things do happen, it’s feeling like your world is going to implode because they somehow have come in more than 3’s (HELLO! DON’T YOU KNOW THAT RULE, MR. LUCK?)… they pile up, and threaten to bury you alive.

17) It’s spending a lot of your time alone. It’s longing for friendships that bring adventure, laughter and memories…but it’s avoiding old friends, and new, because you’re “too much to handle”.

18) It’s being irrationally resentful and jealous of the people around you because how the hell do they have it all together?!

19) It’s wishing you had someone to talk to, but also hoping that no one will talk to you because then it saves you having to try to explain everything.

20) It’s knowing the triggers of your “fight or flight” mechanism better than you know your favourite film, and knowing that you’re gonna choose flight, every time.

21) It’s praying that someone doesn’t ask when you’ve realized that they’ve realized something is wrong. It’s wanting but not wanting to have that conversation because how can someone else understand it when you don’t even have a grasp on it yourself? How do you explain to someone the overwhelming sadness that crushes you like a vice for NO REASON WHATSOEVER?!

22) It’s wishing people would take you seriously, including (and especially) the medical professionals who are supposed to be there to help you. I mean, you KNOW it’s bad when even they think you’re crazy, too.

23) It’s constantly being accused of seeking attention, when you’re actually asking for help.

24) It’s faking your happiness on social media, and in real life, to save yourself the judgement of being “that person”.

25) It’s soap in your eyes because you start crying in the shower as you’re washing your face.

26) It’s your late-night drives transitioning from your sanctuary and joy to your breakdown central. It’s your steering wheel becoming your shoulder to cry on, since you cry more behind it than anything else these days.

27) It’s wishing you could bring your dog with you everywhere you go, because she seems to be the only one that keeps you level-headed and calm in your moments of ruin. She gets you, and 90% of the time it feels like she’s the only one who ever will.

28) It’s laughing one minute, and crying the next – as if someone has flipped a switch in a cruel game.

29) It’s basically just crying, all the time, and committing yourself to the fact that you’re a walking contradiction.

30) It’s dealing with ALL of these things… every. single. day.

It’s not glamourous…

…but it’s not weakness. It’s unpredictable, ugly f*cking strength. Every single part of it takes a level of courage you don’t think you have. Self-realization. Talking to someone – a friend, a parent, a colleague, a professional. Staring at the monster in the mirror that only you can see, and having to make the conscious choice every day to fight against it for your freedom; to say, “I’m not going to let you win. NOT TODAY, SATAN.”

It’s savouring every moment of every good day you have. Sometimes there are LOTS of good days, and sometimes there are not. It’s knowing that the good days will help you tread through the bad.

It’s finding the little things that make a difference, and treating yourself to those self-care goodies because you know that you deserve them; because you know that you’re important, and that self-care isn’t selfish.

It’s the moments that you overcome the demons that you fight; the moments of victory, however fleeting they may be, that get you through one day and onto the next.

It’s knowing, that at the end of the day, you’re a warrior and you’ll get through it – come hell or high water – because you’ve already survived 100% of your bad days.

It’s knowing that no matter how alone you feel, you never truly are.

It’s knowing that it’s okay to not be okay, and that it’s okay to talk about it.

❤

Forty Three

I’m just going to start this off by saying that I had the BEST NIGHT EVER last night.

Disclaimer: This post is going to be regarding Terri Clark’s Back to My Roots solo acoustic tour…what I thought, how I felt, what I experienced, what I wore – you know, basically everything there is in the hand basket.

Last night was a great night. I (as mentioned above) attended Terri Clark’s Back to My Roots solo acoustic tour – and it was honestly everything I thought it would be, and more.

My evening started off a little hectic. I was running late, rushing to get ready after work. I had requested Meet and Greet passes, and was confirmed for them, so I was as stressed as a balloon in a vice that I wouldn’t get there in time. I still had to travel to Calgary, find my way to the casino, AND find parking. Luckily, we made it! *phew*

Meet and Greets are always so fun, yet I always feel like I mess them up just by being my socially awkward self. THE PRESSURE.

This time, I was determined as ever to have it go smoothly. For the 20 minutes I had before I went into that little room, I went over and over and OVER what I was going to say in my head. As I got nearer and nearer to the meeting point, I started sweating more profusely (thank God I remembered deodorant), though I was still (shakily) confident that our exchange would go as planned….until it didn’t. LOL *sigh* As I walked up to greet her, the ladies behind me caught her eye (they obviously knew one another) and her excitement (sweet as it was, bless her heart) TOTALLY threw me off my game; everything I had planned to say disappeared from my mind like someone had hit Control-A-Delete. And, just as I’d feared, my socially awkward self came rearing forward to take control of the situation, and it ended in a pretty hilarious, yet cringe-worthy (on my end) exchange.

(Sorry, Ms Clark!)

PS – I wanted to tell you that your vest game is A++ lately, but you know, social anxiety…!

PSS: How cute is my mom?!

After completely embarrassing myself once again, I was happy to go and find my seat so I could immerse myself in the music and forget all about how badly I need to work on my social cues. I have to say, I’m pretty sure I ended up with one of the best seats in the house. Front row, almost centre. It don’t get better than that!

Now, I’ve been to a few of Terri Clark’s shows before, and they’re always a good time. She’s an enormously talented entertainer, both in song and in story…however, this particular show seemed different – in a great way. As it’s a solo acoustic tour, which means there’s no band and no fancy travelling along with her, it had an air of magic about it. Maybe it’s just me, but I felt like last night we got to experience the truest Terri behind the Award-Winning persona. It was hard NOT to have fun right along with her; the joy she was experiencing just radiated off the stage and into the audience like a mist. She, of course, sang her songs – as singers usually do (I was so happy to hear so many classics in the mix!), she made some beats (whilst we talked amongst ourselves), she had us all splitting a gut with her story telling (particularly in reference to those majestic Rocky Mountains), and I was both mesmerized and ready to spill out of my chair in laughter when she presented us with her John Anderson covers.

She touched us all by including “Smile” in her set list once again. Though she gracefully, and beautifully, sang her way through it, I can’t say the same for the rest of us. I’m not sure there was a dry eye in the house…and I couldn’t help but have been brought back to when Ms. Clark played at the Westerner Days in Red Deer in 2012. “Smile” was on the set list then, too, and I remember thinking, as she sang her heart out with tears streaming down her cheeks, “Now THAT is strength, grace and love.”

The night seemed to just fly…had it gone on until the wee hours of the morning, I would not have had a care in the world – even though I still had to travel home and work the next day. I didn’t get many photos, in part because I don’t want to be that annoying person who blocks the view with my phone the entire time, but also (and more importantly) I was just enjoying myself far too much, and remaining too firmly in the present to pay much mind to anything else other than what was unfolding in front of me.

I’ve been fortunate enough to see many concerts in my time so far, and I know I’ve probably said it before, but real talk: this show truly, genuinely, was the greatest show I’ve ever attended. It was raw, and it felt more like a giant get-together with your closest friends. Terri is SO funny, so goofy, and charming as hell. She’s a genuine soul, who delivers the whole authentic package, and who is so humble that I don’t even think her reflection acknowledges her fame. When asked what the best part of being a celebrity was, her response was simply, “I’m a celebrity?” … I mean, COME ON. If that doesn’t make you smile…

I’ve been a fan of Terri Clark’s for as long as I can remember…and I’ll remain a fan of hers until I’m old and grey and can’t remember anything anymore.

My advice to you is this:
if you love good, home-grown country, you need to snag yourself some tickets to this tour.
If you’re a TC fan already, then you’ll walk away an even bigger fan.
If you’re not, you definitely will be post show.

(and also, what is wrong with you?! How are you not already a fan?!)

(Rocking my new TC Logo Raglan Tee! EEEEEEEEEE…and puppy filter, because you know I’m obsessed)

Flashback Moment – I’ll never, ever, forget my very first M&G with Terri. I was 12, and I was obsessed with the colour green, as I recall. I literally wore a green turtleneck, with lime green eyeshadow packed onto my lids like icing on a cake, and my khaki green nylon purse from Wal-Mart. When I found out that I had to go in alone (my mom didn’t have a pass) I was so scared that I almost didn’t even go. I remember as I walked into the room and up to shake Terri’s hand (she must have smelled my fear), she immediately opened up with the warmest of hello’s and complimented profusely my lovely purse from Wally World. I was just this awkward little kid who didn’t know much what to say, but that experience has stayed with me all these years, and still puts a smile on my face 🙂 (Now if only I could find that old photo…)

❤

Now, as promised, what I wore: