Life – Page 2 – M A T E J K A

#BellLetsTalk

Hi Marshmallows!

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It’s one of my favourite days of the year

Just a few years ago, I would have had a very different reaction for this day (hint: it wouldn’t have been excitement…). I would have done everything I could to spend the day like a hermit and avoid conversing at all costs. It’s a dark place to be in when even you’re afraid of your mental health struggles.

However, today is a different day and a different time; the further I come on my mental health journey, the easier it gets to talk about the obstacles I face and advocate for abolishing the stigma so others feel safe in sharing their stories, too.

So – #BellLetsTalk about how it’s OKAY to make noise about Mental Health. It’s OKAY to struggle and talk about those struggles. It’s OKAY to have bad days. It’s OKAY to give an honest answer when someone asks you, “So how are you REALLY doing?”.

Donning my #AnxietyAlliance tee proudly from @wearyourlabel to let others know that I’m anxious, too, and it’s a welcome and safe invitation to enter a conversation about it

All of us have hardships and struggles, and lately my anxiety has been a real big one for me. I’ve had crippling days; days where I can’t get out of bed, let alone even think about leaving my house. Days where I feel like I’m not good enough for anything. Days where it all just becomes so overwhelming. Days where I honestly think things will just never, ever start to get better. But they do, and they have. Had I known that reaching out for help and telling my story to someone sooner would have resulted in my healing beginning a lot sooner, I wouldn’t have suffered in silence for so long. My eyes were also opened to just how many incredible, supportive, loving people I had around me when I allowed the walls to fall and the dam to break, and I am so SO grateful for each and every one of them. I would not be able to so openly stand up and share my story today if not for them all. I may not even have been standing here at all. ALL my love and support right back. xoxo

And I want you to know, if you’re reading this and struggling, that it’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to ask for help if you’re ready to take that step. You are valid, you are worthy, and you’re so NOT alone in your journey. Whether you realize or not, there is a community of warriors and of survivors that will take you by the hand and support you every step along the way.

It takes a lot, for a lot of people, to talk about what they have experienced or what they are going through, and so I just want to throw out a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has shared their story today. I’ve seen so many brave, inspiring stories full of strength on my News Feeds…far more than I’ve ever seen – and what an incredible sight, indeed.

Your openness, willingness, and trust is helping to pave this road so that those who have come before us, those who are with us, and those who will come after us will have a much smoother journey. From someone who has only recently taken the first steps toward the sunshine, that is something so amazing.

Today is not just for today. Let’s keep the conversations going for the next 364 days. Not all of us struggle with mental health obstacles, but we all have mental health to take care of.

All my love to all of you XOXO Never be too humble to reach out.

Forty Six

Hello Marshmallows!

It’s 2017! A whole new year!

I’ve been thinking about doing a New Year post for, well, precisely 9 days now.

As New Years posts go, they generally include some kind of “New Year Resolution”…though, I’ve tried really hard this year to not have anything specific, or anything written in stone. As history would show, I don’t have the best luck with them. Generally when I would profess any kind of resolution in the past, it wouldn’t actually end anywhere other than my own misery and disappointment. In light of this fact, I’ve decided this year to throw any and all promises of doing out the window, and allow myself the space to just do.

Resolutions are usually always about “new year, new me”, but I don’t need to be a “new me”. I don’t want to be, either. Instead, I want to simply look back on how much stronger I am, how much I’ve grown, and the things I’ve actually accomplished without obligation. Instead, I want to look forward to how much I have to gain, how many possibilities are out there to grab hold of, and concentrate on becoming a better version of yesterday’s self.

In expressing that, I also decided that this was the perfect timing to throw all caution to the wind and start living my life FOR ME.

Which is why I did this:

Yep! I took a HUGE leap of faith and just did it.
#PinkHairDontCare *insert sassy emoji girl here*
(thanks to my amazing stylist, Jesse! ❤ ❤ ❤ )

My Christmas gift to myself was to do something I’ve wanted to do for years but never actually had the cajones to do. I’d been too afraid of what people would say, or how people would react, that I was always able to talk myself out of doing something that I really wanted because of someone else – or a few someone elses. Isn’t that how it always goes?

(Can we just take a moment to acknowledge how CRAZY that sounds when you say it out loud?!)

I can’t even express how freeing and magical it feels to throw everyone else’s opinions out the window. I’m finally allowing it all to be on MY terms now – how it should have been all along. No more second guessing my own happiness for the thoughts of others and the fear of what that might bring. No more allowing anyone else to dictate how my story should and will be written.

People will forever have opinions about you. People will always judge you.
For anything, for everything.

Forget the haters and do whatever the hell you want. THEIR OPINIONS DON’T MATTER. You do. Your opinions matter. Your happiness matters the most.

It’s been almost 2 weeks now that I’ve had pink hair, and the only regret I have is that I didn’t do it sooner. Every single time I see it in the mirror, I can’t help but smile and giggle. It makes me SO HAPPY, and it’s brought me a level of confidence that I wasn’t sure would ever exist.

For the first time in almost 30 years (that’s a LONG FRIGGING TIME PEOPLE), I finally – truly – feel more like the me that was meant to be in this body than ever. I don’t care if people think I’m weird, or different, or too “out there”, or “not conservative enough”. It doesn’t matter. Whether people love my hair, or whether people hate my hair – it makes absolutely no difference to me because I adore it, and that’s the bottom line. Being “normal” is far over-rated (what is normal, anyway?), and life is utterly too short to not have fun.

On a related note, I suppose the same can be said about myself in general. Somehow with my fuschia locks, I am newly entitled to this freedom to just BE ME – whatever that actually looks like. I’ve thought a lot about this blog and what I want it to look like, and I’ve realized that I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. I’ve been trying to fit myself into this pre-constructed mould of what I SHOULD look like in the blogging world. Instead of writing about and sharing the things that bring me joy completely, I’ve been neglectful and resentful because I feel like I can’t keep par.

Fashion is one of the things that I am passionate about, but there are SO MANY OTHERS from all different facets, excluding the fashion world. I’ve decided that I’m going to turn the focus from this being an exclusive blog about fashion to a blog just simply about me – and whatever that entails. Whether that be mental health, or what I wore to the movies, or the newest adventure I’ve been on. It’s not going to have a specific topic focus. It’s going to be messy, a little all over the map, and have some kinks and quirks that I will not iron out. It’s going to be “everything but the kitchen sink”, so-to-speak – and that’s just how it should be because that’s just how I am; a little bit of everything.

So … I have absolutely no idea what this means going forward, but I’m hoping that I will be able to once again find the jubilation in writing, and in creating. Whether you like me, whether you hate me, or whether you simply just tolerate me – it makes not much of a difference. This is a journey I’ve begun – to start living and doing – for me, and no one else. But, if you’re on this journey with me, regardless … thank you. I’m looking forward to what will unfold.

❤

Can We Get Real For A Minute?

Trigger Warning: Mental Illness, Depression, Manic Depression.

I wanted to make this post because, for a lack of better wording, I need to.
So, can we get real with each other for just a minute? Or maybe a few…

Hi, I’m Mayette. 🙂

I’m 29 years old. I’m a Virgo. I was born in a small city in Alberta, Canada. I was raised as a country girl living in the city, and so, I love country music. Well, I love quite a few genres of music really. I love to sing, even though I may not excel at it sometimes. I was a competitive dancer for 16 years, and I still love to dance just as much now. I love sketching and drawing. I love painting. Hiking and spending as much of my time in the mountains as possible brings a smile to my face. I love animals, and will probably get more excited to see your dog than I will to see you (lol). I love theatre, both stage and film. I love fashion, and the creativity and fun that it brings.

I’m a dreamer. I’m a giver. I’m an empath. I’m a granddaughter, a daughter, a girlfriend, a friend. I’m clinically Depressed, Manic Depressive and nursing a newborn Anxiety baby. …And nothing else that I told you, or didn’t tell you, about myself matters as soon as I mention my mental illness…because once it’s said, it’s all you’ll see.

I know, I know. I know what you’re thinking, because I get it all the time. Why do I mention my mental illness then if I don’t want people to know about it? Why bring focus to it if it doesn’t define who I am? The simple answer is because people will know about it, regardless of if I come right out and say it, and as much as I want to tell myself that my mental illness doesn’t define me – it does; in that moment of suffering, of fighting, of dealing, it defines every millisecond. And that’s OKAY, but we need to get more comfortable with talking about it. With listening. With understanding.

Living with mental illness is not something I can hide – or at least not hide very well. It’s incredibly frustrating when you’re dealing with a whole tonne of stuff that you just don’t know how to explain… sometimes you just don’t even want to try to explain it.

I’ve been having a rough go of it lately – a slump, if you will. A lot of things have happened in my life, it just seems like one thing after another after another, and so in these moments I’ve been taking notes. I’ve been trying to put into layman’s terms exactly what I’m going through when I’m going through it, or how I’m feeling while I’m feeling it. I’ve made notes, and I’m writing them out on this public platform because I’m tired.

I’m tired of being misjudged and misunderstood.
I’m tired of being forgotten because I’ve been labelled the unreliable friend.
I’m tired of having no explanation to give for those who ask.
I’m just tired – literally – all the time; what I fight against every day feels like it’s constantly sucking the life out of me (think Dementors from Harry Potter).

I hate living with mental illness, and here’s 30 reasons why:

1) It’s living in a prison; it’s like having the whole world in front of you, but your mind keeping you chained to the spot you’re standing in.

2) It’s feeling so lost that you can’t concentrate. Your mind wanders, and before you know it hours have gone by and you’re left feeling wasted and useless.

3) It’s locking yourself in your bedroom on a gorgeous day because you’ve just had enough – of people, of stimulation, of thinking and of not being able to think.

It’s eating pizza curled up in bed, washed down by the tears that are streaming out of your eyes.

4) It’s screaming to yourself more times than you can count: WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL?!

5) It’s being cast as constantly over-emotional or crazy, in the production I never auditioned for in the first place.

6) It’s like being stuck with a roommate that you can’t stand, yet not being able to catch them in their wrong-doings to have any leverage for evicting them.

7) It’s collapsing into bed the minute you walk in the door, shoes and coat still on, because you don’t have the energy to remove them. It’s wanting to hide from the world as fast as you possibly can, even if that means having to clean the dirt off of your bedsheets later.

8) It’s feeling like you have to be strong all the time so that others will associate with you; so they won’t see you as a burden. It’s constantly feeling like you have to have strength for everyone around you, including yourself. It’s feeling like you’ve allowed others to rest their sorrows on your shoulder, but having no where to rest your own.

9) It’s feeling like absolutely no one else in the world relates to you, or could possibly understand what you’re going through. It’s exhausting, to the point where there are days that I wish I could sleep for weeks on end.

10) It’s feeling everything all at once, and yet feeling absolutely nothing at all. Feeling so numb that you don’t even notice your ribs moving in and out as you breathe… wait, are you even breathing anymore?

11) It’s driving and not realizing how you got from Point A to Point B.

12) It’s losing control of the grip you’re convinced you have, and bringing disappointment to others. It’s having those mistakes follow you like shadows, constantly lurking – though only you can see them. It’s embarrassing yourself when you break down in front of others because you SHOULD have had this under control.

13) It’s being unmedicated and feeling like a chaotic version of yourself that leaves nothing but destruction in your wake. It’s being medicated and hating every part of it because it’s left you as an empty shell of yourself; a void simply taking up space. It’s going off of your meds because you’ve convinced yourself (and your doctor) that “You got this” , and then greeting the panic and self-loathing that knock on your door when you feel yourself losing control again. So, it’s going back on your meds, only to get upset that you can’t ACTUALLY get upset about how it once again has left you feeling like you’ve been devoured by The Nothing… so you decide to go back off of your meds and try alternatives. Repeat this cycle for infinity.

14) It’s knowing that if you had a broken bone, or a surgical procedure, that people would be there to comfort you, to check in on you, to surround you with love. It’s knowing that when they find out your ailments are caused by your mental illness you’ll be surrounded by blame, contempt and apathy. It’s wishing that you could break a bone, or have an internal organ removed instead.

15) It’s looking forward to your favourite fitness class (and getting out of the house) because it always cheers you up – yet getting there and hating every single moment of it because you feel like everything you’re going through is tattooed onto your skin, and everyone is looking at you – and they KNOW. It’s leaving, piling into your vehicle a crumpled mess of tears, and driving home feeling more defeated than ever.

16) It’s having one, two, three, four bad days in a row. It’s feeling incredibly guilty for even having ONE bad day, especially if there’s nothing in your life to be upset about. When bad things do happen, it’s feeling like your world is going to implode because they somehow have come in more than 3’s (HELLO! DON’T YOU KNOW THAT RULE, MR. LUCK?)… they pile up, and threaten to bury you alive.

17) It’s spending a lot of your time alone. It’s longing for friendships that bring adventure, laughter and memories…but it’s avoiding old friends, and new, because you’re “too much to handle”.

18) It’s being irrationally resentful and jealous of the people around you because how the hell do they have it all together?!

19) It’s wishing you had someone to talk to, but also hoping that no one will talk to you because then it saves you having to try to explain everything.

20) It’s knowing the triggers of your “fight or flight” mechanism better than you know your favourite film, and knowing that you’re gonna choose flight, every time.

21) It’s praying that someone doesn’t ask when you’ve realized that they’ve realized something is wrong. It’s wanting but not wanting to have that conversation because how can someone else understand it when you don’t even have a grasp on it yourself? How do you explain to someone the overwhelming sadness that crushes you like a vice for NO REASON WHATSOEVER?!

22) It’s wishing people would take you seriously, including (and especially) the medical professionals who are supposed to be there to help you. I mean, you KNOW it’s bad when even they think you’re crazy, too.

23) It’s constantly being accused of seeking attention, when you’re actually asking for help.

24) It’s faking your happiness on social media, and in real life, to save yourself the judgement of being “that person”.

25) It’s soap in your eyes because you start crying in the shower as you’re washing your face.

26) It’s your late-night drives transitioning from your sanctuary and joy to your breakdown central. It’s your steering wheel becoming your shoulder to cry on, since you cry more behind it than anything else these days.

27) It’s wishing you could bring your dog with you everywhere you go, because she seems to be the only one that keeps you level-headed and calm in your moments of ruin. She gets you, and 90% of the time it feels like she’s the only one who ever will.

28) It’s laughing one minute, and crying the next – as if someone has flipped a switch in a cruel game.

29) It’s basically just crying, all the time, and committing yourself to the fact that you’re a walking contradiction.

30) It’s dealing with ALL of these things… every. single. day.

It’s not glamourous…

…but it’s not weakness. It’s unpredictable, ugly f*cking strength. Every single part of it takes a level of courage you don’t think you have. Self-realization. Talking to someone – a friend, a parent, a colleague, a professional. Staring at the monster in the mirror that only you can see, and having to make the conscious choice every day to fight against it for your freedom; to say, “I’m not going to let you win. NOT TODAY, SATAN.”

It’s savouring every moment of every good day you have. Sometimes there are LOTS of good days, and sometimes there are not. It’s knowing that the good days will help you tread through the bad.

It’s finding the little things that make a difference, and treating yourself to those self-care goodies because you know that you deserve them; because you know that you’re important, and that self-care isn’t selfish.

It’s the moments that you overcome the demons that you fight; the moments of victory, however fleeting they may be, that get you through one day and onto the next.

It’s knowing, that at the end of the day, you’re a warrior and you’ll get through it – come hell or high water – because you’ve already survived 100% of your bad days.

It’s knowing that no matter how alone you feel, you never truly are.

It’s knowing that it’s okay to not be okay, and that it’s okay to talk about it.

❤

Eleven

I did it. I’m a yogi – as of almost 2 weeks ago. …. Albeit, a SUPER noob yogi, but a yogi none-the-less! I’ve participated in yoga in the past, but I never could make the commitment needed both physically and mentally to make it a permanent thing. It’s something I’ve been thinking of revisiting for a really long time now – I was just afraid to take the first step. This year, I decided that I’m going to do whatever it takes to become a better, more authentic version of myself – so I took the plunge and signed up for an entire year. I know, I almost peed myself….but I figured, go big or go home, right?!

The studio I’ve joined is so great. Almost all of their classes are beginner oriented, and the instructors are so lovely. I’ve really been enjoying my time there, and I know this may sound crazy, but I’ve actually been noticing some pretty significant changes already. I don’t know how or why it happens, but yoga practice and meditative breathing changes you.

When life gets stressful, I’m usually one who goes straight to “worst possible outcome” and then I park myself in my worry chair, and rock forever on the front porch. Since I’ve begun classes, I’m noticing that each day it gets easier and easier to stress less, and gently guide my mind in a more positive direction. I’ve noticed myself being more kind to my reflection; instead of spewing words of hatred and loathing, it’s becoming natural to speak to myself out of love. To recognize the qualities I look for in others, and manifest them within myself. I’m also learning to project this new-found light of love on those around me.

I’ve learned coping skills in the last two weeks that I never would have thought of in my entire 28 years. I’m learning to see my life (and myself) in an entirely new perspective, and it’s so amazing. Gratitude. Self-Love. Appreciation. Calm.

Slowly, but surely, I’m moving towards where I’m meant to be, and this journey is bringing me so much happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a lot of progress to make but somehow things just feel so much easier, lighter. This is something I’ve needed, yet denied, for far too long. Follow your instincts. ❤

PS: I went shopping in the ‘big city’ this weekend, and Victoria’s Secret had an INCREDIBLE sale on so I managed to snatch this super comfortable new outfit! These pants are so awesome – they are thick, yet not too constricting, which means you won’t feel like you can’t breath and your entire bum will not show through in downward dog. Bonus!